General Chat

My elder daughter has had sporadic contact with her dad, he's also a waste of fresh air and hasn't paid anything towards her upkeep. I haven't pursued this side of it as I don't want a penny from him - it would make him think he has a say when I think he's lost that right by not even contacting her on her birthday or Christmas for the last few years. She's 16 now and says he's not her dad anyway, my husband is as far as she's concerned.
However she does have a good relationship with my exe's Mam, who she sees every couple of months. (My ex mother in law has nothing to do with her son).
I would consider allowing her to have cntact with her fathers family, if it can be worked out amicably, she needs to make her own mind up about her 'father'.

Also hope you get it all sorted out soon,just keep telling yourself this upheaval won't go on forever. Good luck in whatever decisions you make.
x

Sounds to me like he is covering his backside in case he gets stung by the CSA. Maybe that's why he thinks you have made contact with him in the first place.

I agree with TW, it looks like he's cooled off a bit when he's had time to think of the implications.

yeah thats what my mum recons! But his girlfriend said he told her he had a daughter when they first got together so he obviously must believe she is his so why is he disputing it now and doesnt he realise the hurt its causing!

It doesnt matter what outsiders think ,your daughter must be the one to choose,,,,,maybe its a need to see,,a need to know just who he is,,,its after that things could go either way,,,just support her what ever goes,,

I dont know this guy so cant make any adverse comments as to why he decides DNA will be an answer,,

yes I can understand possibly he is not ready to face a barrage of questions from your girl,and this could be reasons for him stalling,

till shes been accepted by the dad,I would hang fire on the grandmother,,,till its sorted,,

but her welfare is first and foremost,,,and only you know if shes yet mature enough to take any hard knock if it goes pear shape,,,,,,,

lots of young girls/boys get an idea of what an absent parent should be or what they want as the other parent,often its not what they imagine it to be,,,,,,,,just be her rock,,,,,,,,

this is only my own view,,,,,,,,

yes I agree with you on that Kay as I too grew up not knowing my father and built up an image of what he would be like which was in fack not the case and pretty hard to take when I found him not so long ago! However in my case he hadnt shirked his responsabilities altogether as he made every maintenance payment till I was 18 and he has welcomed me with open arms which as my daughter has witnessed this... makes her situation all the more hard

The money issue wont play a big factor with your daughter,its not so very important or not even an issue as just this contact,.perhaps she reached a time in her life when otehr girlfrinds have a father figure,,,,and its sparked it off, or she may just have decided for herself,,,,,?

Oh if he wants a DNA test then he gets hit with all the back child maintenance. *smiles evilly*

He obviously doesn't deserve her, but you have to keep letting her know what's been said. Show her the text messages so she can see the truth. She will, hopefully, realise he's never going to change and eventually decide that enough is enough. All you can do is be there for her, love her and hug her when it gets to her.

If you think is family would be interested, contact them. They may well be of the same mind that he's a loser too... or if anything like my mum...give him a swift kick up the behind.

Thanks Summer,but he only rings me so i have no texts to show her! I just have to hope she takes my word for it ! she wouldnt dis believe me but it means i have to try and rearrange his words so as they mean the same thing but are less damaging

I have no advice for you Dawn, but then I have never been in that position.
I do understand your poor daughter though.
She wants to know where she came from. As far as I can make out, she is lucky to have had you and escaped the years she 'could' have had with him.
Sounds like a real 'corker'.
My father left us when I was 16, and my sister 14. When I next manage to contact him he
was in a nursing home and I was not able to talk to him. then he died, and I found out the best bit..... he had told no one about us not even his new wife. 50 years and no one knew that he had two daughters.
THAT is why I feel for your girl.
Let her try, she needs to.
The DNA test would not hurt her. And may answer all her questions.
She is going to make up her own mind Dawn, so if it is within your power, let her.
She must be beginning to see already what he is.
Good luck love, and your girl too.
Deanna XXX

My son's father lives abroad, he did have a spell of staying in touch and sending gifts and cards, then when he got together with a much younger woman with money and property, she discouraged him from staying in contact. I was never able to get maintenance from him as he was in a band and did casual musician's jobs and taught music privately so no proof of working or earnings. My son has visited over the years when I have been able to afford to take him there, and last year we went together after not being able to afford to visit for 12 yrs. My son is now 26 and sees his father for what he is, a weak man bought and paid for by his wife, who rules the roost. They did meet up and the stepmother contacts my son sometimes and then puts his father on the line, but usually cos they want my lad to get them a mobile phone or something and send it, which my son won't do. He hasn't the funds to do it and risk them not paying him. He has no illusions about his father but can go over there when he wants and see his Nan, Aunt and now his halfbrother knows about him, he can see him too if he wants.
I think you should let your daughter do whatever she wants in contacting her father, and if he doesn't respond well or ignores her, just be there for her while she comes to terms with it all. It might be good for you to contact her father's family and see if they want to build up a relatonship with your girl, as my son has always had a relationship with his Nan and Aunt abroad, even tho they never mentioned anything to his dad, for fear of upsetting the stepmother. For the first time, when we visited last year, my son's picture was out on the sideboard with that of all the other grandchildren, it was a heart warming moment.
If your daughter can become friends with her grandmother and family, she will hear about her dad if they are in touch with him, and he might then start to form a relationship with her through them, if not at least she will know a bit about her ancestry and that might become important to her as she grows older. She can also ask them about any medical problems in the family too, it is important to know if there are things that might come to her too so she can be more aware.

Just be there for her and help her through this hard time, she will grow and develop and cope with it all, as long as there isn't too big a deal made of things.
She is who you have helped make her and will learn to deal with all this as she gets older, as long as she knows she is loved and supported unconditionally by you and your family.
Good luck to you and your girl, I hope she will find some happiness in knowing who her father's family is and maybe know her father in years to come, if not immediately.
Lizx

thanks for that diamond. I do feel his family should be able to have contact with my daughter if they wish, regardless of what he says and I want to contact his mother but I think im a bit scared of her sticking by her son and rejecting my daughter which is why im putting it off

Let us know how things go. Can you not call the grandmother when your daughter isn't around and see how the land lies?
Even if you just pave the way for your daughter to make contact with them as long as you know they are interested in forming a relationship with her.

Lizx

I will call his mother and ill keep you all updated! thanks to you all for your support and kind messages

xx

Good luck, Dawn.
Lizx

dear Dawn,


At the risk of being hurtful and offensive, as well as unhelpful, I have to say that his requesting a DNA test is a direct insult, to *you*.

It's basically his way of saying that he thinks you were not being faithful to him, 15-16 years ago. Your past love life is none of my business so all questions as to why he walked out on you (or you on him) will have to remain rhetorical, for now.

Maybe one of his best friends at that time decided to wind him up by saying he'd slept with you and the uncertainty over your daughter's paternity have haunted him ever since.

If that had been the case, then it's less of an insult and more of just a clumsy way of saying he's unsure of where he stands and wants to know the truth with 100% certainty, before he surrenders all his 'lifestyle' money to the CSA. (I'm sure his girlfriend will be thrilled at being reduced to one night out per month and will rapidly dump him in favour of another with no such budgetary commitments).



Mark

Thank you for your honest opinion mark and im not at all offended! I am 100% sure she is his child as he is the only person i was with but i guess if something had been said then....
The thing is they have all seen pics of my daughter and commented on the resemblence to her father and his girlfriend said he had told her he had a daughter before i got in touch which is not the actions of someone who doesnt believe shes his

and to throw another thing in the bag He and His girlfriend are expecting!!

I think you have to put things like the dna and any inferences to your honesty, aside at the moment and just deal with one part at a time. If your daughter can get to know her grandmother etc she may learn enough about her father to make up her own mind on whether she wants to get to know him.
One step at a time...

Lizx

To side track --my daughter has been trying to get money fron CSA for 12 years. The latest is that her son`s father can`t be traced , he`s not working or signing on, she wonders if he`s dead, she had contact with his brother who didn`t know where he was , but now that has stopped,
Ros xxx