General Chat

I really need some advice! My 15 year old daughter asked me to help her find her bio father whom has never been a part of her life (his choice). I thought about it and decided to help her but deep down hoped i wouldnt find him. However I did find him! and all is not good. He was in prison! I had some contact with a family member of his who wouldnt tell me what he had done so i done some research and found out when his court date was (as he was on remand). I also requested his prison address and number which he agreed to give me. The family member spoke to him and said he was pleased my daughter wanted to find him. I needed to know what he had done before i could agree contact so i went to the court hearing and it turned out to be a minor offence and he was released that day. I had planned to return home but his family (who were also there) invited me back to there home to discuss arrangements with regards to my daughter and all seemed to be going well! It was agreed that he would meet her the following weekend. I must just say that I had been completely honest with my daughter throughout. Then came the excuses! First he said that he needed to get a job cos he didnt want to meet her with no money and couldnt get to where we are, which after some thought i understood. Then he text to say he would be coming after all, so i told my daughter he only might be coming for obvious reasons! The day before he was due, I text to check it was still on and he said he wasnt ready and would be in contact. Then I did a stupid thing and gave my daughter his number thinking they could have phone contact untill he sorted his life out ,ie got a job and some money. I realise now that was a very silly thing to do but as he has not said he doesnt want to get to know her I didnt think it would be a problem. Anyway my daughter sent him a text just saying hello and stuff and he called me saying I shouldnt have given her his no as hes not ready and refuses to text her and its all my fault and now he wants to do this legally and wants a DNA test and it all has to be on his terms! I am finding it more difficult to be honest with my daughter because I feel he is making the same excuses he did 15 years ago and in my opinion he is a nasty piece of work and a waste of space but i dont want her to get hurt. This situation is a right mess can anyone give me any advice?

let him have his DNA

he will have to pay for it not you
and its a simple mouth swob

GOOD LUCK XX

It really all boils down to what your daughter would like,she is a young adult and is able to make choices,,but you must be her guide,if she understands the ultimate say must be yours in her best intrests,
interactive from a third party maybe needed,with family liasion,,,

thanx, I have no problem with the DNA test Im just concerned about my daughters feelings! 15 is a difficult age at the best of times I dont feel I can tell her he doesnt want to know! To be honest I dont think hell bother with the test I think hes just trying to wriggle out of it....

Dawn,lagree with joy let him have his DNA,i had the same thing only slightly different the beginning of the year my g,daughter who i brought up wanted to find her dad she had,nt seen him since she was two and is now 25,but i would,nt tell her as i knew his mo,anyway she went and found him and he two was in prison he was pleased to see her,and said i,ll send you another visting order her relpy was ,dont bother only came to see if i looked like you and your scum,and i dont want you near me or any of my children,so she made the choice herself,i hope everything works out for you and your daughter good luck
Dutchx

i agree let him have a dna test hun
then tell him to go jump

he doesnt deserve your daughter in his life hun
but unfortunatly she wants him in hers must be hard but just be there for your daughter hun and with her being 15 she might learn herself what a nasty man he is xxx

Thanx Kay.. I agree its what she wants which is why ive tryed to be as honest as I can but at what point do I say enough is enough and make the decision for her?

I agree! she deserves better and I wish he wasnt her father. It would be wonderful for her to tell him where to go but should I do it for her and save the the heart ache he will almost defo cause? Tell her to find him when shes 18 if she wants? or would that make it worse and she blame me

Does he even have the price of the DNA test? It doesn't sound like it.
What about the rest of his family, surely they must have some input, wouldn't they like to meet her?

This is not a mess.....
you have done no wrong in what has happened
So smile Hun you have been the best mum to do what you have .


Let your daughter know everything everytime.
As she must learn that this is what this man is like then at 15 she can decide for herself and you already know whay will happen ....the same as 15 years ago
AND you will do the same now as you did then
Look after your daughter with love

Now if wants DNA he pays he collects and he sorts you know whats true

i was in the same position about 12 years ago but my son was 10 .
he now wants nothing to do with his "sp**m donor" thats what he calls him ....My son has Autisum and now knows what I had been saying ..his dad cant spare the time for you .

Take care I send my love to you both

In my opinion Dawn and its only mine...I would tell him to stuff it....his loss..your daughter is 15 yrs and look how he has treated her so far, does he really deserve the love of a daughter he doesnt even think is his..in my opinion no he doesn't...you know who her father is ...for a what a waste of space he is...and she knows thats all that matters ...you have tried your knows what he is like I would walk a way with a big fat smirk on my face as I know lost out on this ....and it isnt you or your daughter...

thanx all i feel alot better and more clear now...

But I have 1 more dilemma,He says he is looking for work so should I claim for child maintenance? He hasnt never payed a penny!

Hayley... I totally agree with your opinion and im dying to tell him to stuff it and some but im worried if i do that my daughter will be upset with me and i would find it difficult to tell her what sort of a person he is as she will feel rejected.

YES its about time he faced up to his responisbilities..(sp)

Yes Lindsey I think his mum would like to meet her and his sis or at least they have said they would but as they seem to be a very close nit family im not sure if they would just do what ever he wants

I think im going to talk to my daughter...explain what hes like and then tell him to get knotted, but should i allow his mother to see her if she wishes or would that complicate things further?

Why does he want a DNA Test?.Seems to me he,s trying to find a way of denying the fact that she is his Daughter,Explain to her what a DNA test is all about and the reasons for them.That should reveal to her what her Father really is like. Good Luck.**M**.

It has all been a bit of a shock for him hasn't it? He has spent fifteen years putting his child to the back of his mind and suddenly,there she is.

He and his family are dealing with something they have not had any experience of.

Step back a bit and let it develop. How does your daughter feel about the test? It is her blood or whatever that will have to be used.

No I guess itll just be a swab but I havent told her about that bit yet as im not sure if he is defo gonna do it... ill wait till I get a letter from his soliciter I think

Dont hold yor breath waiting for that letter Dawn....I personally think he is more worried about the costs..