General Chat

My son has 2 sons.His eldest is 10 and the younger one 6.Two different mothers.He has seen the eldest one all his life and has him every other week-end.The 6 year old he has not seen since he was 2 and he has to pay maintenence.Her reasons was that she did not want her son to mix with his other son.The elder son sometimes wears odd socks and a jumper unironed and he gets dirty.A right loveable little imp. My son now has 2 baby daughters with his wife and the 10 year old still comes every other week-end and accepts his life.I feel very very sorry for this 6 year old.He has a half brother and sisters and 5 cousins he does not know about.There is no children at all on his other side of the family,so bought up with all adults.This child is missing so much.My son will not go to court as he does not want to upset this child. All this is about the mothers issues.Annie

Yes.

from experience I payed maintenance and was stopped from seeing my oldest 2 boys despite a court order saying I could. I then had to go back to court to see them. If the wives ignore the access/cusdody orders theres not much us men can do the law is on the womans side. Malc

my friend divorced about 10 years ago . has 2 children, now 16 and 14. Father has never paid a penny, but sees them regularly. Last xmas he bought daughter a laptop and took son to New York for 4 days. Daddy is golden haired boy. Luckily they are old enough to understand about the cash situation now, but it was tricky in the past. Claire

I'm with Ginny it depends on the relationship between the absent parent and the child.

I am fortunate to not be in this situation but I believe totally that a father has an equal and moral right to see his child and certainly if he is contributing although money should NEVER come into it if both parents are committed to the well being, up bringing and education of their child. (Apologies if this has already been said)

Don't know how the law stands now - thirty-five years ago when my husband left we had two small boys - 2 and 3. He left his job purposely so that he could not pay maintenance. Then managed a very small amount. He refused to see the boys for over a year as I wanted him to see them on his own, not with his new partner who had herself left 2 small children. I thought he could at least give them his undivided attention for one day a month. I did not insist that I was there by the way. As he did not see them for a year, they at that age were so young that they had all but forgotten him. Then he wanted to see them again. I tried to stop it - through the court - as I did not want them disturbed. I lost, of course, and he got fortnightly access. He kept it up for a few months, then it stopped again. It was 'too difficult to fit it in with his new life'. I attempted, via solicitors, to insist that he came to see them as they had now got used to it, and wanted to know when he was coming again. I was told that you cannot insist that the father does come. He can only insist that you let him. Through all their childhood, he came and went erratically depending on what was happening in his life. The girl he went off with evenually threw him out, and they were divorced. The final straw for the boys came when he was about to marry for the third time. He refused to have them to the wedding - they were by then in their early teens - as it would be 'too embarassing' and he would 'have to explain to other guests who they were'. My sons totally lost faith in him for that. I would add that all this time my ex. had only ever paid the small amount that he had to on the original court order. He refused to put it up despite having regained good managerial status jobs. I took him to court when the boys were in their teens and at a quite expensive age, all I was told was that my 'husband would not let them starve'. Magistrates are great aren't they. My ex. got up a wonderful sob story about his new young wife - number three - wanting a family and so he would not be able to afford any more. She was not even pregnant at the time. The wonderful husband that had taken on my two boys and been a splendid stepfather, denying himself many things for me and the boys, was expected to continue to provide for them - as he had been doing for many years - we had two young children of our own by then, and were expecting our third. He had waited ten years to have our children so as not to upset the boys when they were young. Our five children,(my two and our three) now in their 20s and 30s have a great time together. They all have wives or partners and when all ten come to stay with us, we have a blast. So lets give a few big cyber hugs to all the splendid step-dads out there. We don't hear enough about them.

I feel I must comment on this, I believe that children should see their parents whether money is involved or not, personally in my sit no money is involved & my child happily sees his father every week, however on the other hand my husband has had a long-standing battle with his ex, as her motto is no money no kids, spoken every week without fail,& if we pick kids up from their Grans & dont leave money she comes immediately & takes them. Fathers for Justice. Someone mentioned earlier-blackmail-most definately.

malc i read an artical recently where a father kept going back to court for access ,each time he was granted access his wife refused ,on the 17th tim eback in court the judge gave him custody based on ...if she was a good mum she would have allowed him his access and not wasted court time,xxjoy

yesterday i recieved a csa form. if i could pay i would`nt,,as it is i can`t. we brought the children up together for 10 years. she left with the children to marry a 65 year old man with issues. i have my children for 17 weeks a year overnight stays and further days and time not overnight.this process cost me £35,000 through the courts,which i did not have and had to take loans against the house. i buy them their food,when with me.and clothes which they take back to their mums. my whole life evolves around my children,as they were worried i was going to move away like other fathers. i would prefer to sell the house and pay off the debts.but the children were unhappy about this ,saying they were very comfortable. i`ve had to take my car off the road as no longer afford to run it. my ex put herself in her position,she was on benefits but just got a 16 hr week job. if she can`t afford the children to be with her,then she should take back up full time employment,the children are very welcome to live with me. i used to think wrongly of fathers who walked away from their children. after what i was subjected to,i can quite understand why many fathers walk away,and i dread to think what eats away inside of them. derek

If the child is old enough - then they should be asked if they want to see the father. My parents sepeated, when I was 7. I did NOT want to see my dad. I refused to see him, on qute a few occasions. Mum always said that it was my choice. Never knew til I was older he never paid maint. Liz

OH Derek you sound a lovely Dad your children are lucky to have you in their life. You keep it up you will reap the rewards in the future Im sure of that. Dave

My opinion is that whether or not a father pays maintenance is not the issue, unless the childred are at risk they should always see their father xxhugxx

Children have 2 parents and they have every right to see both, unless of course there is a very good reason why this is not possible. The children shouldn't have to miss out just because the parents have split. My ex hubby didn't pay maintenence for several months last year but I would never dream of stopping him from seeing Ellie - that would be using her to punish him and not fair to anyone. I wish Dean's ex could put the children first! Jack x

I do not think it should be an issue of money, and whether a father should be allowed to see his child if he does not pay. There may be a myriad of reasons why he cannot. I also think the right of the child to see their parents completely overules the right of the parent to see (or not to see) their child. The child's views and welfare must be the priority. You cannot generalise, each case must be very carefully considered on its own merits. Liz

Money is irrelevant, and to be honest I think the word 'allowed' is typical of how many mothers see the issue. Far too many access issues are down to bitterness on the womans part. Julie

yes.. the father should be allowed to see his child,, regardless of whether he can fully support them money wise.. only exclusion should be if he is a danger to the child But also don't forget absent mothers as well,, My dad brought me up and never stopped me seeing my mum,, even though she never gave him any maintenance so don't forget it's not always the fathers that are absent from the household Nic x

derek ,sounds like you,ve had a rough time,but your certainly doing a good job eh.margaret you have every right to your opinion,thats the idea .its just interesting to know how we all feel ,xxxxxxxxxjoy

My hubby pays a huge amount for his two boys and even gave his share of the house equity, yet his former partner refuses any form of access. She doesnt give a reason. He hasnt seen them in 4 yrs now and misses them dreadfully, he isnt even allowed to chat to them on the phone. Its most unfair on him and his boys.

strump he can get his parental rights and she cant do a thing about it.xxxxxxxxxjoy