General Chat

I think men should be allowed to have contact with their children whether they pay or not. The money is a different issue unless of course they are likely to harm the children Ali x

I feel they should as long as no harm is going to come to them. The thing that annoys me though is the fathers that do see their children on a regular basis but doesnt pay....my ex is like tht and it annoys me cos i know he can well afford it...he has his own buisness and tries to say he cant afford it....he can, i know he can...ive seen and hear alot for me to know..

A very close friend has not seen a penny of maintenance in years, and her ex-husband has openly refused to pay anything. However, the CSA state he cannot afford to pay any maintenance. Oh yeah? Then how come he and his new wife go on holidays to Tenerife and other foreign climes several times a year, whereas Carolyn can just about afford to take their two kids up to Yorkshire once a year? And he changes - upgrades, that is - his car every few years. Apparently he's a 'cash-in-hand' employee of a certain place in Scotland. He was bragging about this to my friend and, silly man, didn't think that perhaps my husband and I might work for the Inland Revenue! He sees his two children who he refuses to pay for every few weeks when he flies down to the South-West of England (and how can he afford that?). The children adore him, and think the sun shines out of his backside. If they only knew, but of course Carolyn has never bad-mouthed him in front of them. One of the children has very challenging behaviour because he wants to see more of his father, but his sister is a little angel. I suppose what I'm saying is that the law always seems to be on the side of the perpetrator (he left C for another woman, after beating C a lot). It's a very tricky situation that has been abused by some, time and time again. Yes, begrudgingly I'd say that children ought to see their fathers even if he doesn't pay maintenance. Only for the childrens' sake, though. Sorry - I've ranted on a bit, haven't I !! x

My Ex is stopped me see my kids and has moved away to make things even harder for me, after a nervous breakdown and a very bad time with it all i am trying to re-build me life but it is very hard and has taken me longer than thought as i'm still off work 3 years later and still suffer breakdowns and boughts off deppresssion even now.

The 2 issues of access and maintenance are distinct and separate and there are many reasons why a parent might pay and not get access to the children or have good access but not the means to pay. Like so many other issues there are plenty of grey areas with this. I've known a number of children, for instance, whose absent parent claims inability to pay, exercises access and while they aren't physically abusive to the children, play 'mind games' with the family and destroy whatever emotional equilibrium they may have, creating adults with a whole host of problems that take years to resolve, if ever they can be. There's a whole range of strategies that people employ to do this, and it's done by both mothers and fathers so I'm not being sexist here. There's very little can be done to deal with that kind of abuse, and I do believe it to be abuse, and it's heartbreaking to see it happen. It's vicious, it's vindictive, it's unnecessary and I'd love to find a way to measure and legislate against it.

Personally I think that unless the child is at risk from the father then he should have access, payments or not. The children must never forget who their father is and to insist on payment (sometimes far more than the father can afford) is like asking him to pay for access. My son pays his dues and sees his kids regularly and as a result they have a brilliant relationship with him. It causes him hardship financially and he is having to live in a bedsit. His ex-partner on the other hand is nicely settled with a new partner (for the last 8 years)in a semi detached house , both work full time.and they and the children want for nothing.

Our whole system seems so unfair.

Yes!

hi strump,last year a man went to court for the 17th time to get access ,even though he had it before,his ex would,nt let them go ,this time the judge awarded custody to the father.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxjoy

Perfectly put Clare, Kila

Every case is different and no two families are the same. I sat reading a child abuse case last night. I won't go into the finer details but the father physically abused his 3 year old son. Burning him with cigarettes and stuffing various objects up the childs bottom. I believe that every father, or mother, should pay maintenance, however in this instance the father should have no right to see the child or have contact with him but he should still be made to pay maintenance. What really annoys me is how the courts decide so easily in favour of the mother and often deny access on no substantial grounds. The law in this country should be changed and sole custody without access or with limited access should be an exception instead of the norm. I think it would be a fairer system if the courts start at joint access for all children and then adjusted its rulings dependant on actually proof not just hearsay. Clare.xx

How awful, some women should be made examples off!! I was married to my second husband for just 2 years and he had a daughter from his first marriage. I made sure he paid maintenance, when we split up, he just stopped seeing her, she was only 7 then, shes now 17 and we are as close as mother and daughter, just been on a girlie holiday to spain. she hasn't seen him for 10 years.. He said he can't handle it.. B*****d! Kila

We have been to court so many times, he is given access, we arrange a date and always something happens....one of the boys are ill, they have a party to go to etc. When i tell you, we pay his ex £690.13 a month, you will know how bitter i feel about all this.

Every child/parent should have the right to contact, unless the child could be put in danger... and sometimes a woman leaves the man, takes the kids, and the father can't afford much. I know someone who had a girlfriend, and when they split up she was 3months pregnant, but never told him. 4 years later he was contacted by the CSA and ordered to pay maintanence for this child, he asked to have contact, and was refused, and yet he still pays a huge amount of money every month.. Now thats not fair. Kila

strump he can get his parental rights and she cant do a thing about it.xxxxxxxxxjoy

My hubby pays a huge amount for his two boys and even gave his share of the house equity, yet his former partner refuses any form of access. She doesnt give a reason. He hasnt seen them in 4 yrs now and misses them dreadfully, he isnt even allowed to chat to them on the phone. Its most unfair on him and his boys.

derek ,sounds like you,ve had a rough time,but your certainly doing a good job eh.margaret you have every right to your opinion,thats the idea .its just interesting to know how we all feel ,xxxxxxxxxjoy

yes.. the father should be allowed to see his child,, regardless of whether he can fully support them money wise.. only exclusion should be if he is a danger to the child But also don't forget absent mothers as well,, My dad brought me up and never stopped me seeing my mum,, even though she never gave him any maintenance so don't forget it's not always the fathers that are absent from the household Nic x

Money is irrelevant, and to be honest I think the word 'allowed' is typical of how many mothers see the issue. Far too many access issues are down to bitterness on the womans part. Julie

I do not think it should be an issue of money, and whether a father should be allowed to see his child if he does not pay. There may be a myriad of reasons why he cannot. I also think the right of the child to see their parents completely overules the right of the parent to see (or not to see) their child. The child's views and welfare must be the priority. You cannot generalise, each case must be very carefully considered on its own merits. Liz