General Chat

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Ok it's real simple, Just tell a joke, All I ask is that you keep it clean as you can so you don't get RR,d


A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his.
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I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £10- Volume Stuck On Full”.

I thought: “I can’t turn that down”


Really bad jokes so lets see you better...

A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned. “What happened?” asked the doctor. “Well”, the man explained, “my wife was ironing clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV. She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.” “Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?” “Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'














'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy


Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Roy

Ever Wonder? Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Oh how true!


Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence
that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time
I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . .
then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too big.
It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men

very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200

Roy

Now they are funny :-) :-) :-)


One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

may I say we already a long running joke thread on Quizzes and Games!!!

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few junctions back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give
me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength
and the tools to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.'

Poof! .... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


Moral: 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told
you!'

Q.......What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A......I have no I-Deer.....

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes & not moving?

A. I still have no idea. :-)

A mushroom who couldn't get a date said, "I don't know why the girls don't like me. I'm such a fungi." :-D

*faints* lololol

Ever Wonder? Why does your nose run and your feet smell?…

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."