General Chat

What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head?

Mandy lifeboats.

Good news, Bad news

Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

Him: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

Her: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

Him: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

Her: "Well, the airbag works."

Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says"hey paddy why don't ya get mick to help" paddy says" hes inside carrying the clothes"

An African Tale

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead elephant, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "We have about three hundred members."

1 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A group of young children were sat in a circle with their nursery teacher. She was asking them questions in turn.
Davy, what noise does a cow make?
A cow goes moo.
Alice, what noise does a cat make?
A cat goes meow.
Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?
A lamb goes baaa.
Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?
Errr.., it goes.. click!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

A man walks into the Doctor's rooms and the Doctor notices he has a frog growing on the top of his head.

The Doctor says 'What happened'

The frog says 'It started as a wart on my bum'

Little Green Squid

Man goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.

The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais with mild green, hairy lip squid.

Every Genealogist can relate to these.......

Undocumented genealogy is mythology.
My ancestors must have been in a "Witness Protection Program"
My family tree must have been used for firewood!
Whoever said "Seek and ye shall find" was not a genealogist
Am I the only person up my tree? --- Seems like it
I'm not stuck.......I'm ancestrally challenged
I researched my family tree....apparently I don't exist!
Why are there so many gnarled limbs on my family tree?
I'm stuck in my family tree.....and I can't get down!
My husband has started calling cemeteries "Ancestor Farms"
To a genealogist, EVERYTHING is relative!
:-) :-)

Did you hear about the man who entered a pun contest in a newspaper. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win the prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

The plumber has arrived
Panda A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

two old biddies were discussing Obamas' views on same sex marriages...



you know Maud said Lil,

Me and my OH have been in a same sex marriage for nigh on 50 years.............

really? says Maud..........yes Lil says ..........same old.......same old........

Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted.

this is no joke........

amazing

http://www.jokeroo.com/bin/player.swf?5f9f_f369

"Chicken Little"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Flying Cow Dung! A talking chicken!'" :-)

"Rabbits Revenge"

Rabbit's Revenge

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other guts.

One day whilst arguing in the forrest, the bear lost his temper and kicked an old lamp that had been left by campers.

To their surprize a genie popped out and granted them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." His wish was granted.

The Genie turned to the rabbit who said "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

"And for your second wish bear?" Demanded the genie, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." He got his wish.

The rabbit without delay took his second wish, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet."

"Final wish bear!" Bellowed the genie. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." After having his wish granted he smirked at the rabbit and strutted off into the forrest.

The rabbits eyes lit up, he turned to the genie and he said, "For my last wish, I wish that bear was gay."

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet


If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all.


"I'm having problems with my dog."
"Why's that?"
"He chases anything on a bike."
"What will you do, have him put down?"
"Oh, no! I'll just take the bike off him."


Got to love eBay, sold my homing pigeon 8x last month!