General Chat

ROFL at
"If you jump up and down on a scouring pad....

...is 'that the way to harm a brillo' "

xx

Norty Col ~ Irish ~NOT all thick

Dont forget smile and the whole world will wonder...



...what the heck you been up to!

Add your own and lets have a laff for once

I'm part Irish Mel so can get away with it

Col I have been smiling for years and they still wonder what I am up to or on, and I still smile at them ...

Man goes into a pub and sees his friend sitting fretting at the bar

''whats up'' he asks

''well I have entered a poetry competition to win £1000 but have to write a poem that ends in the word fasicnate...and I just cant think of one''

''give me £250 up front and I will write you a poem that I gurrantee will end in fasicnate''

His friend digs out his wallet and hands over the cash

Next night full of excitement he returns to the bar

''have you written it?'' he asks

''Of course'' his friend replies just listen to this.....

''I've got a brand new duffle coat
It really is great
I used to fasten ten buttons
Now I fasten eight''

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
Deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
That she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be
Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother
he's a fecking clueless idiot ...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's
Name?'

Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved,

'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'






The doctor replies ' Denephew

pmsl lol not heard that one............



but remember.....its not all fun and laughter I've just got back from the supermarket and apparently there has been anasty murder....

some bloke called Archibald has strangled two customers for just a few coppers right there in the supermarket




and they have put up a poster to confirm it....tis terrible and disgusting but I saw it for myself





ACHICHOKES TWO FOR A POUND IN TESCO

I knew I was right thefirst time ........

During the summer my garden was full of the wondrous scent of Primulus, Foxglove and Dianthus.

But how I longed for the sweet smell of a Coronation.

My elderly mother tells me that her GP says that the blue marks on her legs are due to very close veins !

What do you call......

A small woman - Dot

A very small woman - Micro-dot

A woman who sets fire to her bills - Bernadette

A man with a car on his head - Jack

A man with a paper bag on his head - Russell

Lol Sue

lol

My girlfriend always goes well over the top with her make-up.................. and you would never believe the amount of cascara she uses !

Must be a real regular girl, then

Lol Sue

When my brother got bitten by a poisonous snake I had to rush him to hospital for an anecdote.

Could've been the same snake who was tried for murder, but was let off - cos the evidence against him was anecdotal

Whenever my brother and sister have a disagreement they always ask me to meditate.

Then again, when my brother and sister argue, they always finally realise that it was my fault after alll!

Sue

I always prefer decapitated coffee with my after-dinner mints.