General Chat

These may bring a smile to ya chops he he




Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

Mr. Priestley, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."
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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time"

The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one

of them would have seen it.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel
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Sxx

Steve you are a diamond...thanks for the laugh xxxxxx

pmsl

will nick them and email em to me father in law give him some new jokes lol

ya welcome twinks lolol


Stan shsssssssssssss lol

lmao Jax why not lol

Thanks Steve, had me and son raoflmao!
xxx

Was just having a good old cry then Steve....

you always seem to make me smile Boffin' - Cheers!!

LOU XXXXxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brilliant Steve!! Lol

Steve will you post some more mate...I'm fuming at the moment and need to calm down with a good laugh xxx

That's my sense of humour.

mwah

Steve That is so good lol
really made my day .
Hazelx

was feeling realy down till i read this
pmsl
Love Jackie

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



For the answer have a guess hehehe

a bloke was sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to him , "Sorry sir, but you''re only allowed one seat."

He groaned but didn''t budge.

The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don''t get up from there, I''m going to have to call the manager."

Again, He just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move Him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right mate. What''s your name?"

"Mike," he moaned.

"Where ya from, Mike?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

Boom Boom!

lol bob

lol Bob

well steve??? whats the punchline?? pmsl xxx

Enjoyed them all Steve, especially the Tom Jones one!!

Anne

cant ya guess twinks lolol
























Get off the roundabout your to old and pi***d

*groan*
pmsl thanks mate xxxxx

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits
alone at a nearby table....

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since...."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"