General Chat

See below

Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo? Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not Too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's". Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely" "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. " "Final answer?" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?" "Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock." T

Here's another (Don't worry, I'm not Anti Beckham LOL) Posh n Becks are shopping in a department store, as they go through the kitchen department. David sees something that takes his fancy...he asks the assistant David - 'what's that?' Assistant - 'it's a thermos flask' David - 'what's it do?' Assistant - 'it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold' David - 'great, I'll have one' Next day at training David shows all his team mates. Roy Keane - 'what's that Dave?' David - 'It's a thermos flask' Roy Keane - 'what's it do?' David - 'it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold' Roy Keane - 'great!! what you got in it?' David - 'two cups of coffee and a choc ice!!!'

something tells me you have a wicked sense of humour Tracie, the second one has me creased up.Fred.

Heheh Fred - I do have that sense of humour.. Shh don't tell anyone .. Especially those on GC ;) T

Beer Troubleshooting Chart SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM - Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SOLUTION - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SOLUTION - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts. SOLUTION - You have fallen forward. See above. SYMPTOM - Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SOLUTION - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM - Floor blurred. SOLUTION - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM - Floor moving. SOLUTION - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark. SOLUTION - Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles. SOLUTION - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM - Beer is crystal-clear SOLUTION - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him. SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. SOLUTION - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. SOLUTION - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted. SOLUTION - The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song. SOLUTION - Beer is just right. Play air guitar. Well.. That's men for ya lol T

Tracy Some Irish jokes... cos of yor name. Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes E100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he replies. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up. The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men. Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of ice cold VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has disappeared. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has vanished completely. It's a miracle!" Jesus then turns to the Australian whose face shows sheer, unadulterated reflects terror." "Oi! Bugger off, mate. I'm on Compo!!"

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her b** that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tyre, somewhere in North Dakota."

Who would you be? Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud Van Dam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?". Chuck Norris said, "I would be Mozart." Jean Claud Van Dam said, "I would be Beethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"

He he ... good ones Sue

COOKING TIPS FOR REAL WOMEN Delias Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Delia's Way To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women's Way Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year. Delia's Way When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women's Way Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions. Delia's Way If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice. The Real Women's Way If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh**! Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." Delia's Way Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women's Way It could keep forever. Who eats it? Delia's Way Brush some beaten egg white over pie-crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women's Way Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the the crust so I don't do that. Delia's Way Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Women's Way Cure fore headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh**? Delia's Way If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Women's Way Why do I have a man!? And finally the most important tip Delia's Way Freeze lefover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women's Way Leftover wine????????? Hellooo????? **************************

lol Bob.. Thanks so much :oP Everyone.. Those jokes tickled me pink (think I sounded barmy, laughing at the screen *thank god that my partner understands as I met him via internet ;o)*) Keep them jokes rolling T x

A man has great tickets for the FA cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in Britain, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else......a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!!! Please send this to everyone on your email list. If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, DO NOT show him your bum. This is a scam!! He only wants to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap. Janet

Am I allowed to use the word "fart" here? If so, I've got a joke to add.... I'll wait for you all to make you minds up; in the meantime I'll tell you another which doesn't include any dodgy words.

Michael and Patrick were desperately looking for work...any kind of work would do. They went along to the Ballyawful Job Centre and started to scan the notice boards. Suddenly Michael yells across to Patrick "Hey Pat, will ye look at this, it sez here "Murphy's Timber Yard orgently requires Tree Fellers". "Ye eejit, Michael" Patrick yells back, "That's no good, is it? There's only the two of us!". Still waiting....!