General Chat

can i just add two things.when i was 11 years my grandfather died and i was refused to the funeral by my parents which i did feel very angry about.if a child chooses to go then that is their right especially when it is a close relative.also a friend of mine had a nephew who died.the little boy wanted to go but the parents felt it inappropriate.after speaking to a counciller the counciller said if he has asked and that is his wish it is best for the child to go as he could resent it in later life.xxxx(:

My cousin died (aged 27) last month and I choose not to take any of my children (17,12 & 4) I think it was best as they don t really understand death and I think it would of been very upsetting, specially having to explain to a 4 & 12 year old the in s and outs of what is going on, maybe not the 17 year old but I think personally myself a child over 15ish is ok, unless they were very close to the person who passed I would make an exception to the 12 year old going. Penny

I was 10 when my grandad died and 30 years later I still find it hard to forgive those that wouldn't allow me to go to the funeral and say goodbye!! I think if the child wants to go they should be allowed!! Pink xx

i think 11 and 10 years are fine but a six year old.my own personal view is too young.xxxx(:

My son's first attendance was at 7 months and my daughter's was at 8 days. We go to church regularly and to our family christenings, weddings and funerals are a part of the circle of life. They understand about saying goodbye and missing someone but that they have gone to heaven. I was quite glad that we had approached it this way becuase a friend of my son's recently died and he could say that he was upset because he missed him and happy becuae he was in heaven. He didn't attend the funeral because he was in school but school had a memorial service for the little boy which all the children attended. Some of them cried and others comforted them but none of them were embarrassed or uncomfortable. We recently had a dedication of a memorial to him which was lovely as it celebrates his life and stops him from being forgotten or continuing to be mourned. The most important point I think is if you decide that you will be so open with your children, to remember that ultimately it is the family of the deceased who dictate whether they feel it is appropriate for a child to be present. I don't like to leave them out of a celebration of someone's life but the family's feelings are the most important. Abigail

My grandparents died when I was about 10 and I was not allowed to go to the funeral, and I firmly believe that being 'protected' by my parents played a big part in my finding death and funerals extremely difficult to deal with as an adult. However, 3 years ago, I sat and watched my mother-in-law pass away and it seems as if a huge weight has been lifted from me. As a result of that experience, I am much better at dealing with bereavement and am determined that my daughter will not grow up fearing death and funerals in the same way I did. She attended her grandmother's funeral at the age of 3 and her school friend's mother at the age of 6. I did keep her from the funeral of my uncle, but simply for practical reasons - it was a school day, it invovled a long journey and she had never met him. Personally I would allow children of any age (except perhaps babies) to go to funerals of close relatives, but at the end of the day the decision you make has to be the one that you feel is right. Lesley

Len 'Children who are denied this leave-taking also tend to have problems ' Can I add, that my children do NOT have problems because I chose not to let them attend funerals at the ages of almost 10 and under. Even though they have seen funerals go past. My children do not have to see a coffin, or view a body to realise the person has died. They have grieved along with us when a close family member died four years ago, we all cried, when my aunt died in september, we all grieved. I answered questions they asked. They still ask questions about death. i still answer them. They are NOT sheltered from death, They have visited my stepmums 'Plot'. They know that nanny was put there but her spirit is in 'Heaven'. (my discription of the spirit world) I just dont see the point of ramming it down their throats when they are emotionally immature to cope with the distress it brings. Besides some ( I said some not all ) children ask to go, or say yes to a request to go, because they are just worried that they are going to miss something. (As my stepmums grandson was) Children have a lot to deal with these days, and making them grow up too fast is one of them. It does not make them inable to cope with life as adults. Elaine x

My cousin took her 6yr old to her daughters grandads funeral it was my cousins ex father in laws funeral she took him because he was ill from school and had no choice but afterwards she felt it was good for him he asked question about wheres the coffin going because it was a creamation which is good so when god forbid our nana goes he is prepared he adores my nan his great nan and although he saw alot of his sisters grandad there wasnt that emotional tie , my couisn also allowed her daughter to go and veiw her grandads body before the service the funeral was 2 weeks ago she is only 12 and me personally i would of said no but she felt hollie could cope and she did she placed a letter a photo of thetwo of them and a whistle he gave her when she was born it was his from the navy ,and Hollie talks about him laying there liek he was in bed

This topic a big deal in our family. My beautiful big sister died (car accident) when I was 12, she was 26. I went to the funeral, but vowed I would never go to another, all that emotion! That was 42 years ago. My family didn't know how to talk about things back then, we didn't look after one another very well, instead of sharing our grief we tended to isolate ourselves and I for one was very selfish - it was my grief! She was my big sister, my schold teacher for 2 years, mother of my beautiful nephew and niece. I don't think I though too much about anyone else and what they were going through, but I had good teachers. Recently had conversation with her hubby, (remarried with grown up children), and we agreed we didn't know how to talk about things very well then. We've made up for it. My stand on the original topis is, if your sure you can concentrate on your childs perceptions and talk it all through, then they are not too young to be included in a funeral, if you have any doubts of your ability to look after them, its not the right time. Laurie

The purpose of ritual in the event of bereavement is to cause 'an ending' - to take leave - to say goodbye. It is because we need to do it. People who deny themselves this (often because they are the pillar on which others lean) often develop psychological problems to a greater or lesser degree. Children who are denied this leave-taking also tend to have problems and may even be resentful if they feel they have been excluded from the sad event. It is a mistake to shelter children from the norms of life; it leaves then ill-prepared for coping in the future. Len

One of my grandaughters lost her other Grandma 2 years ago, very suddenly. One day she was fine, playing with grandaughter, then later that day she had a sub arachnoid haemmorrage and went into a coma from which she didn't recover. It was a month before grandaughter's 5th birthday and it was felt she was too young to cope with the funeral. My daughter read a tribute to her mother in law and broke down and I think it would have been difficult for grandaughter to see that. Like Ady's daughter, she says Granny Carol is now a star in the sky. The day after the funeral she released a balloon with a picture she had drawn and 'sent it to Granny Carol in the sky'. Her suggestion and words not mine. My children attended their grandparents funerals from the age of about 10, although my eldest, now 33, went to my grandma's, my great aunt's and my best friend's 3 year old daughter's in the space of 6 months when he was 12 (his choice) but he later agreed that it upset him too much. His wife is now 32 and has never been to a funeral. I was 19 when I went to my first funeral, my grandad's, and I spent the whole time being strong for my Nan and my Mum. I didn't grieve properly for my grandad until a couple of years later. I think it just depends on the child. You know your child better than anyone and if you think they are old enough to understand, I would let them make the choice. Sue xx

That's a tough question, but I like most agree that it is up to what the children want, I had no choice but to take my 2 sons to their granddads funeral, when they were 3 & 5, I had no one to leave them with, but I am glad now, as when the oldest was older he accused me of leaving at home and not giving him the chance to say good bye to his granddad, he couldn't remember it, but I told him 'you did go' then he felt better, even though he couldn't remember the day he knows he did say good bye. Bev

If a child asks to go and the request is denied, that could cause a problem. It all depends on the individual child/children, and the parent/s, I think. With regard to my cousin's funeral last week - a boy, maybe aged about 10, went up the front to give a tribute to his great-aunt. He had it written down on a piece of paper, he looked at it but couldn't speak. The clergyman waited a minute or so, then put his arm round him, took the piece of paper and read it for him. He was so kind, he didn't take the paying tribute away from him, he read it and kept him there with him. I learned afterwards that some other children, a little younger, had said they wanted to be there, but their parents had said no. I guess the parent would know the child well enough, hopefully, to know whether it was better for them to stay at home or be there. The children had written some lovely cards with flowers for their aunt. I remember when my sister was probably about 12, a schoolfriend died after an accident on her bicycle. I believe that my sister and many other schoolfriends were at her funeral. Joy

Furthermore to my last postings, Id like to re add, I do give my children choices every day, I don't want people on here thinking I make all the rules and those rules are fixed.( and they will have more choices when they are older) my children DO understand death. I do teach them ways of life.I do not shield them from death. They have seen me cry & mourn, I talk about the deceased. I just dont like to shove death in their face. But to see a wooden 'Box' with a corpse in of someone they knew, however distant or close the deceased was to them, and the wondering what the deceased lookes like in the box......( I have imagined a thousand pictures of what my mum looked like)...... I wouldnt want the funeral to be the last memory my child has of their loved one. With all the raw emotion, .(unless maybe its the childs parent who has died, then they should have a choice) I believe you dont have to wittness a coffin being lowered into the ground, or on a platform, suddenly dissappearing from sight. to say goodbye to someone. There are other ways, and I did say earlier, like the child missing the actual funeral, and then attending the house later ( when people come back to the house) , when things are a little more calm. Maybe losing mum at 14 has made me feel this way, it was taken for granted that I attend the funeral. All I remember is those curtains being closed round the coffin,,,,,and the sound of my wailing...

Having spoken to child bereavement councillor recently about this very subject - it seems that they strongly recommend a child of any age being given the choice. They apparently see a lot of 'did I do something wrong?' 'was it my fault ...... went away?' etc. etc. when they are told they aren't allowed to attend a funeral. em

I believe they should have a choice. My nephew declined the chance to go to his Gramps funeral. I was proud of his choice.

I READ ALL THE REPLIES WITH INTEREST What stands out in them most of all is that the children should be given the CHOICE, as most of those who were not asked,but denied their chance to say good bye,were hurt by this decision. The passage of life includes death and I cannot understand why we in this country have such an aversion to talking about it and embracing it. It is a natural process. Give children the choice-honour them-let them decide. It would appear from the comments made to be what they want.-Rose

Our culture seems to have a taboo on death - I am talking of English here - the Irish treat it differently do not know of Scotland or Wales. However only last week I attended the funeral of my closest friend who had 4 g.children - there was a church service followed by a private cremation. The children were aged 16, 13, 12 and 10. The two youngest behaved well - not a tear - however as my husband and I walked through the church gate we noticed that the two youngest were walking alone in front of us and I moved forward, grabbed their hands and kept with them until they moved into the pew with their mother. I was surprised that these two were going to the crem but apparently they asked to go. I have heard that when children are kept away from funerals - they, in later life, ask why as they have not had the chance to say goodbye. However 10 years ago I attended the crem service of yet another close friend and her g.son aged 7 broke when his mother (my god dau.) howled - I moved out of the pew, grabbed him, sat him on my knee and luckily I was sitting against the wall - so turned him that way so he could not see anything. It was a combination of seeing his Nan's coffin and his mother crying like a banshee. I think if children ask then take them but make sure that someone responsible and who will not break down is with the children all of the time. Ann

I attended my grandmother's funeral aged 10, I was the eldest of 3. My sister (aged 9) sat with my mother (it was her mother's funeral) I tried to look after my 4 yr old brother. He ran amok and at 10 I had little control over him. In retrospect, I was the only one mature enough to be there. becx

When I was a child all the family attended funerals from the youngest child to the oldest adult. The one part I didn't like was when the women and the children of the family were sent into the Kitchen when the lid of the coffin was being put on,and all I can remember of my grandads funeral is of hearing the hammering sound when they did this. I was about 7 at the time When my parents died in 1968 none of my children went to the funerals and for these funerals the coffin lids were closed My Aunts didn't approve of this as well as not having an afternoon funeral followed by a boiled ham tea at the local Co-op Cafe In 1996 when my husbands mother died the none of her great grandchildren went , but in 2002 when his stepfather died the two older grandchildren asked could they go. Last year when our son Steven died the grandchildren were given the option of going the two older ones came the two 10 year olds thought about it but decided they didn't want to, sso we accepted their wishes Bren