General Chat

For what it's worth I can understand both sides on this. Because of what's happened in the past you are naturally very apprehensive about having her over to visit. But it's only natural that a 13 year old girl would want to have a relationship with her dad and she's bound to feel pushed out being so far away from him. And I think you have to remember that she probably didn't have a choice about 'losing' her dad - she may now be finding it all a lot more difficult than she can express.

Understand where you're coming from, 13 is a really awkward age, Loz has just turned 14 and she's hell, I love but she can be just so.......!!!! However my eldest wanted to know her father alot more as she grew older, he left us when she was 5, 2 boys as well but younger. It never bothered the boys about their Dad, they didn't really have much to do with him when they were younger, however the old saying is 'Daddies Girl'. Over the years they have developed a relationship with their Dad, eldest was the one who instigated it all and sometimes I resent it as he never wanted to know them when they were younger or when I had other problems when I really needed his help. It's a toughy. And of course you are at a very emotional stage right now with baby on the way. What does Hubby say about it all?

Kylie, I gather that the e mail was from his daughter and his Mum, not his ex wife? Could it be that she didn't feel threatened by the boys with him, but that the fact the baby you are expecting is a girl makes her feel she will no longer be 'his little princess'. It is difficult for her with her Dad being so far away, also hard for him as she is his only daughter. But now is not a good time for you as you must rest or you will be back in hospital. You don't need stress, you have to think of baby too. Maybe if you give her a date in the school summer holidays when she can come to you then she will have something firm to look forward to and you should be more settled with the baby. Ann Glos

Hi Kylie! I do so very hope I'm not going to cause any trouble by saying firstly, I sympathise with the situation you are in but your husband, who happens to be the father of his daughter in a previous relationship that you are referring to has the same responsibilities to her as he does your own children now. I am sorry if I'm speaking out of turn but that's the way it is. If she lives here in the UK and you are in Aus and she wants to stay for a while it's only natural she misses her father and perhaps also feels left out. I do think your husband should (if he can) though perhaps take some time out to spend with you all at this time. Afterall, surely, you would want the father of your children to be involved if the circumstances were the same with his previous partner. I do fully understand how you are feeling though. No offence meant, just trying to see it from both sides as I've spent quite some time myself, stuck in the middle! No nasty e-mails please. max xx

Thanks for all your replys hubby due home soon and we will have to sit and talk about it me personally i think tomorrow she will be on to something else to moan about what annoys me everyone over there says she misses him but when he rings she cant get off the phone quick enough maybe thats just kids i dont know but right now i just cant agree to it ,cause of the rubbish my kids and i have had to deal with for 11 yrs and i also am trying to make her stay there with her mum because at 15 my mum sent me to my dad for 9months and now at 29 im still dealing with the fact she just sent me and alllowed him to treat me the way he did i know my hubby wont do this but i dont want her mum to cop anything later

Max Why are you under the assumption that you will recieve nasty emails? Kylie The welfare of you and your unborn baby come first. You are under threat of premature labour, and the stress of your stepdaughter visiting will not make things easier. I agree with the fact that your stepdaughter should at least wait until the summer holidays before a visit is planned. Taking time out of school at her age will set her back. It is not practical for her to stay at the moment because of the situation, and you are not nasty at all. Given the circumstances, I would reach a comprimise by suggesting that she plans to come over to stay during the summer holiday, that way baby will hopefully be here, and you will have established a routine. Remember your health and your babys health comes first. It doesnt mean that your stepdaughter will miss out anything if arranged for a convienient time Elaine x

Hello Kylie, You don't say when your stepdaughter would be wanting to visit, but I would assume it not to be until the summer holidays because of her schooling. I don't know how long it has been since you last had contact with her but I do get the feeling that because of your past difficulties you are looking at it necatively which is understandable but she is a growing girl and changing all the time. I do think given the chance something good could come out of her visiting. Maybe she could help you around the house and with the baby (she is old enough) during the day which would give her a sence of involvement and being of use. Maybe if you and your husband make it clear you would love to have her visit as it would be lovely for her to get to know her baby sister this would start things off on the right foot. What do your boys think about it, will they be happy to have her visit also? all the best Margaret

I am a step-mother. And as some of you will know my life had been made hell. BUT step-d had stayed with her mother for about 7 months or so last year. Even when she rang here she was rude to me - but between Christmas and New Year she rang and I sensed she was very very upset and just said to her - do you want to come home? Paul and I spoke to her for over an hour. She was scared of her mothers reaction. Bearing in mind she was nearly 15 and the last time her mother had anything really to do with her was when she was only 13 MONTHS old. Even though she had made my life hell since I moved here I had NO HESITATION in asking her to move back. I could not leave her where she was - she deserved better than that. She has been here since 2nd January and I can - hand on heart - say that I am glad that I did. She is getting the love and attention that she needs and has settled really well into her new school. She is blossoming into a really lovely young woman - but saying that she is a normal moody teenager at times - that I can cope with. She knows I will never be her mother and encourage her to stay in close contact with her mum - but her mum isnt too interested - never took her on girls days out shopping or anything for just the two of them. I was really upset at that - Annie - my own daughter and I used to have them every month or so . I had them with my own mum and big sister. So we have started having girls trips lol - Poor Paul - he isnt allowed along on them. I want her to look back on living with us as a time when she was allowed to develop and be encouraged in her studies, to know that she is wanted and loved here. To chuckle at how we gang up on Paul - but mostly I want her to know that no matter what THIS is her home.

No particular reason Elaine, other than what I've experienced before! I appreciate there are many new members since the last time I posted an opinion - so I'm being cautious of my replies so as not to upset anyone and as I'm being considerate, I expect others to be the same! No offence intended at all! max xx

HI I know that teenagers can cause horrendous problems I have had enough with my own daughter when my marriage broke up, but you must remember that she is still your husbands daughter just as your sons are, and as a teenage girl she will need to see her father, because of the pregnancy I suggest that the trip is delayed, till baby has come, You must have known that your hubby had a life previous to you and you have to respect that if you want your relationship to stand the test of time sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I've been on the other side LInda P

Aside to this Sheila your comments are lovely! you really are an understanding lady God bless you! Davexx

1. your health 2. your baby 3. the routine with sons and baby Once these are sorted the risk of her visit doing lasting damage to anyone else is minimised. Why not issue a specific invitation? You can fake delight that she would like to come and see you, express concern that it fits in with her schooling, and suggest that it is a fabulous idea that she comes and bonds with the rest of her family. Her mother can hardly not support that - without taking the immature attitude of school doesn't matter, and your step daughter will realise that if she is 13. She could be a boon to you even though you are anxious over past events. Away from her mother and under your influence she could really bloom nicely. She could also probably do with having three brothers to tell her what's what! I find pre-empting potential complaints or suggestions is the most effective way of controlling undesirable situations - at least you get the best alternative. Good luck Abigail

This child, poor lass,needs her father. she is part of his life and always will be. Taking her age into account, we have all been there ourselves.....moody, rude and not knowing what we do want. She is part of the package that came with your husband and cannot be ignored however bad the prospect.

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Dave - thank you. Kylie - its so difficult with the whole step-child thing. My first husband and I split when our daughter was 14 and son nearly 18. I know how deeply my girl hurt when her dads partner at the time - her little girl - only about 7 or so, called HER dad daddy - she didnt say much but I could see the hurt. He moved on from that lady and is now married again to a woman with children and grand children of her own - and they foster. I think my girl still feels a bit on the outside there - after all she was the only little princess in her daddys life (annie is 22 now with the most gorgeous little girl of her own) When I married Paul my 2 accepted him straight away - maybe I am lucky - maybe its because they have my nature - who knows. I understand though that his girl had ruled the roost in both this house and her grandmothers next door - where she actually slept - to let Paul out and work to support her. Anything Kayleigh wanted Kayleigh got. But it took a major major crisis for her to end up going to her other grandmothers (and then taken by her mother to live with her) and realise that I was NOT the enemy. All I have ever wanted for her is to be happy and feel as if she belongs. Its hell being 15 (even I can remember that far back) and at that age you have to know that there will be a parent figure to be there when hearts are broken and life sucks. Why dont you and your step-daughter chat via e-mails or on messenger and build up a relationship. She will know that her Daddy loves her and I think she wants to love you to bits as well - but is probably worried at her own mothers reaction to that. We discovered that was a lot of the problem here. I still find it hard at times - but thats cos she is a teenager, life isnt a bouquet of roses - there are thorns hidden. If someone had told me six months ago that Kayleigh would be living here I would have told them to get their heads examined - THAT is how strongly I felt about the situation. It was the only thing that Paul and I have ever disagreed about. But I love him unconditionally. He was shocked when I asked her if she wanted to come back here - but he knew that I couldnt let her be unhappy - which she was. If anything it has made us even stronger. I just hope that the same will happen for you Kylie. You dont need the worry at the moment - your first priority just now is your health and the little precious you are carrying. Take care of yourself and rest - like you are supposed to xx

kylie i can understand how you feel about this.and you should talk to you hubby about this and how you feel and how it could affect the family.tell him how you feelxxxx(:

I dont know what to say here as I really can see it from both sides (I think) I am imagining one of my daughters wanting to be with her Dad and being told, no its not possible for you to come right now...... hmmm Yes me being the sort of considerate person I am I would have to explain to daughter that Dad's wife is having another baby and a very stressfull pregnancy and could really do without it just now.. But then I remember me with pregnancy numer 6... Stressfull Teens to cope with... Disabled child to cope with... Death of my daughter (still coping with) I had to get on with it and couldnt push any of them aside as they were all mine. I am mixed on this one, I agree with parts of everyones advice, yes it would be nice if Amy could wait a wee while till new baby is born and mum is feeling more able to cope but then will that time ever come?? I remember Kylie that you mentioned last year (before pregnancy) that Amy wanted to come and you were against it then too. I feel that no matter what Amy is hubby's first child and shouldnt be cast aside at all, she is also his flesh and blood. I'm sure everyone who takes a man/woman with baggage wishes they didnt have the baggage but nothing can change the fact that they do. My heart goes out to Amy this poor child who lives thousands of miles away from her Dad, she has to cope with missing him whilst his other children see him daily and now she wants to spend some time with him she cant because his holidays must be kept for new child. No sorry Amy came along 13 years before new child and is already missing out. Shaz

Hi Kylie, Glad it has worked out for you, thats one less thing to worry about while you get on with your 3 and new born. All the luck in the world. Would like to know when you have baby if you have time to come on GR. Best of luck and be happy. Dawn