General Chat

I am about to re-write my will (and OH the same) and this time we are stipulating our funeral wishes.

Neither of us want a funeral. What we will have is a disposal, a funeral with no family or friends in attendance, certainly no flowers. We both want cremating.

I have told his neice who is our executor our wishes and she is quite shocked. But I just cannot see the point in all that money going to waste.

I NEVER send flowers to a funeral, I will either donate to a charity specified or I will have a tree planted.

I am very unsentimental when it comes to death, and this seems to have been from my memory how I was brought up.

Yes I get upset when someone I know and love dies, but I do not sit around wringing my hands and wailing.

Death comes to us all, and we should talk to our families about our wishes. And if possible arrange as much as possible before hand.

We do not have any rights over our body when we die. If our executor/n.o.k. decides to ignore our wishes, then that is it.

However, I do feel that if one knows what the deceased wishes were - then endeavour to carry them out as best one can.

My ex died thinking he had no friends. All I can surmise is that there were a lot of people who tolerated him, or at least, wanted a good p*** up in his memory.

There was standing room only in the crematorium and I actually have a photo album from the wake afterwards. One looks like a conga line.

He would have been so sorry to have missed it.

Sounds good Janet.

I once went to a funeral where the chapel and the room for the gathering was in the same building. The service was held, then the wake began. The funeral director took the coffin to the crem whilst everyone else including the deceased's wife tucked into a buffet .-jl

I really would rather not have any ceremony at my funeral but I really wouldn't care if I had a big state funeral because I would be dead anyway.

But Sue, that is fine, if you have a humanist funeral your family will have closure. I don't think that is what people are saying. Unless I have misunderstood.

I think the wishes and beliefs of the person concerned should be the first priority here. Everyone has different beliefs, and in some cases, a husband and wife have different ones. If they have lived their lives with this 'difference', then i feel it only right and proper that ones wishes should be upheld.
As an athiest, i would be absolutely horrified, to have any other funeral than a humanist one, and my family totally understand this.

Stick to your guns Michael.

:-)

we have sorted everything out (I think) my greatest joy is that I wish I could see my daughter's face at my choice of music!!!!

I have favourite hymns but these pieces of music mean much to me and the last piece, I hope, will have feet tapping on the way out of crem.

Perhaps a bit of 'give and take' is required on both sides and a compromise reached.


It's fine to respect the request of the deceased, but the needs of those left behind should be addressed also - they are the ones who will be grieving and dealing with things.


Most bereaved people need to have some sort of 'closure' as they say farewell to a loved one. Not being allowed to do that can cause a build up of unnecessary stress and grief which is unfair on them.


Perhaps a very simple gathering at the crematorium with a chosen friend saying a brief eulogy would fit the bill. It could be limited to close family only if that helps. Everyone can then move on to the celebrations later.



Just my personal thoughts. Cx :-)

That bit with the curtains and conveyor always reminds me of a gameshow. I thought of it at the first cremation I attended as a teenager and, of course, I remember every time I go to one now.

Ann that's what my SIL had a Humanist funeral think if it had been a burial we would have seen some sort of ending with the coffin being laid to rest but the coffin just lay? there and as no one knew what to expect we were not prepared for (all I can call it) an empty void ... we never even saw the coffin go through the curtains it was awful I'm sure my SIL would not have wanted her funeral like that but who knows?

I once attended a humanist funeral - it all took place at the graveside with readings and speeches from various people - it was unusual but quite touching

We were at SIL's funeral the same as Michael wants gathering for the Whole Village afterwards but just family at the cremation........ the gathering was nice but the funeral was Dreadful .... Nothing! .... we were not prepared for an empty place and told to think about the person if we had someone would have perhaps said a few words (but they were said at the gathering) ... we just sat and sat then one of daughters said "let's go" ... the 2 daurs were so upset by it all, as were we it did not seem like a funeral and there was no closure . I would never attend a funeral like that again.

Re getting your affairs in order, which is a separate issue to the death arrangements really.

My OH and I have both made a spread sheet with all bank details, hints for passwords etc, pension provider details, anything we can think of because we have seen others go through the awful business of trying to sort out financial affairs etc. And we have both made wills.

To be honest I don't mind how they 'celebrate' my death as long as I am remembered with fondness, I would rather those who are left gained some comfort from the arrangements. but i have given choice of music hymns etc to save them worrying. :-)

I agree with Sharron - a funeral is for those grieving who are left behind not those who have died

My dad, god rest his soul, was a committed atheist but we had the full works for him when he died - my mother was a practising Christian and we did it for her more than anything else - it gave us all some comfort

The elderly father of my niece's husband died earlier this year.
I assume that his only son was respecting his father's wishes because, his "funeral" was exactly as Michael wants.

Whilst everone gathered at a local hotel, the remains were at the crematorium.

Nobody attended the crem... not even his son.

I don't know about others but I'm donating any part of me they want for medical science or a transplant need - may not have any useful part left but one never knows.

Then the cremation.................

OH says he wants his ashes scattered around the golf course.

I said I want mine scattered there too.

If I go first, I'll be able to keep an eye on him at least twice a week.

:-D

Why don't you want them at the crematorium anyway?