General Chat

Perhaps a bit of 'give and take' is required on both sides and a compromise reached.


It's fine to respect the request of the deceased, but the needs of those left behind should be addressed also - they are the ones who will be grieving and dealing with things.


Most bereaved people need to have some sort of 'closure' as they say farewell to a loved one. Not being allowed to do that can cause a build up of unnecessary stress and grief which is unfair on them.


Perhaps a very simple gathering at the crematorium with a chosen friend saying a brief eulogy would fit the bill. It could be limited to close family only if that helps. Everyone can then move on to the celebrations later.



Just my personal thoughts. Cx :-)

we have sorted everything out (I think) my greatest joy is that I wish I could see my daughter's face at my choice of music!!!!

I have favourite hymns but these pieces of music mean much to me and the last piece, I hope, will have feet tapping on the way out of crem.

I think the wishes and beliefs of the person concerned should be the first priority here. Everyone has different beliefs, and in some cases, a husband and wife have different ones. If they have lived their lives with this 'difference', then i feel it only right and proper that ones wishes should be upheld.
As an athiest, i would be absolutely horrified, to have any other funeral than a humanist one, and my family totally understand this.

Stick to your guns Michael.

:-)

But Sue, that is fine, if you have a humanist funeral your family will have closure. I don't think that is what people are saying. Unless I have misunderstood.

I really would rather not have any ceremony at my funeral but I really wouldn't care if I had a big state funeral because I would be dead anyway.

I once went to a funeral where the chapel and the room for the gathering was in the same building. The service was held, then the wake began. The funeral director took the coffin to the crem whilst everyone else including the deceased's wife tucked into a buffet .-jl

Sounds good Janet.

My ex died thinking he had no friends. All I can surmise is that there were a lot of people who tolerated him, or at least, wanted a good p*** up in his memory.

There was standing room only in the crematorium and I actually have a photo album from the wake afterwards. One looks like a conga line.

He would have been so sorry to have missed it.

We do not have any rights over our body when we die. If our executor/n.o.k. decides to ignore our wishes, then that is it.

However, I do feel that if one knows what the deceased wishes were - then endeavour to carry them out as best one can.

I am about to re-write my will (and OH the same) and this time we are stipulating our funeral wishes.

Neither of us want a funeral. What we will have is a disposal, a funeral with no family or friends in attendance, certainly no flowers. We both want cremating.

I have told his neice who is our executor our wishes and she is quite shocked. But I just cannot see the point in all that money going to waste.

I NEVER send flowers to a funeral, I will either donate to a charity specified or I will have a tree planted.

I am very unsentimental when it comes to death, and this seems to have been from my memory how I was brought up.

Yes I get upset when someone I know and love dies, but I do not sit around wringing my hands and wailing.

Death comes to us all, and we should talk to our families about our wishes. And if possible arrange as much as possible before hand.

my oh has cancer and wants his body to go for research so there will be no cremation or burial

my family and I agree with him if that is what his wishes

sally w <3

Ann Glos,

Yes, see what you mean. (no funeral).! Got that a bit skewed i think.

I still see that a party/get together of family friends and colleagues would be 'the funeral', and people who have known the person, should still respect, and try to understand the wishes.

If a person wishes to donate their body fpr medical research,, there would be no funeral, but what a guesture that is. A gift for the chance of progress in the medical field.

I honestly feel that the deceased lives on in the minds of others, not in any particular place. :-) <3

We went to a neighbour's funeral a while back. He was a non-believer and had said he would like a woodland burial. His family arranged this but after his biodegradable coffin was put in the ground no-one quite knew what to do. We all stood around until another neighbour said "Shall I say something about S....? After that the deceased's wife disappeared back to her car so we all wandered off. It seemed curiously unfinished.

So I do think that some sort of "leader" is necessary even if it is only to say "So and so didn't want a public cremation but let us all drink a toast to his memory".

My mother donated her body for Research as far back as 1955 - she died in 2003. All arrangments to send her to Research were duly carried out until they discovered she had had a post mortem - They did not want to know so a funeral had to be very hurriedly arranged.

They did say all those years ago that when they had finished the family could have her back - we told her when you go to them that is it!!

My ex business partners husband died very suddenly, he was forty-three years old. When she was going through his papers she found his instructions for his funeral. He was a Biker and ex professional photographer for famous rock bands. He was also a none believer, and requested a humanist funeral. He arrived at the Crem on a bikers hearse (hearse and motorbike on the side) accompanied by a procession biker outriders , who then stood as guard of honour. There were no hymns or prayers, but his step son, who is a well known actor stood up and spoke so beautifully with love and humour about his “Pop” . During the service heavy rock music was played, as we left the Crem Chapel the curtains were left open, to the sound Thin Lizzys “The Boys are back in town”
It was so different to anything I have experienced before, but so reminiscent, and a fitting send off for this man, and more importantly it was just what he wanted. Everyone went to the wake at his local pub and said he would have loved it. it was his choice.

RIP

I have just asked HID what he wants me to do if he pops his clogs before his parents do

They are very religious and his BIL is a vicar so they would want the full works...As his parents are a couple of hundred miles away they wouldn't want to come down here...so told him I will send him up there in his box and they can deal with it....As he wouldn't get any hymns and prayers with my family...not that he would want it, but wouldn't want to upset his parents

The one thing I meant to say in my last post was when SIL died she also had a cheaper coffin which was made of basket weave...it was beautiful and of course did not cost as much as a full wooden one

It could lead to all kinds of trouble if a man's wife tells him to get his affairs in order and he thinks she has found out about them! ;-)

I have said before they can upend me in the wheely bin for all I care, I would want them to have whatever helps those left to get over the loss, that's assuming any of them miss me :-(

MY OH HAS ARRANGED AND PAID FOR HIS SEND OFF

My friend died a few years ago and it was a crematorium funeral..
Once the casket had entered through the curtain, her husband and young children left the room for about 20 minutes.
They are a Hindhu family, and were witnesses to the actual incineration !