General Chat

Hi Jude, I read your thread with a lot of interest and sorrow. I am sorry to hear about the situation of your friend and her family.

My Mum died at 44 and my Dad at 71 so I have not experienced any of this at first-hand, although I used to be a nurse in the olden days and have nursed several people with dementia of one type or another. On one ward the only conversation I had all shift was with the budgie......

I think a good care-home seems to be the way to go as your friend could always come home for weekends or holidays, to family or friends, whatever her family wish.

I live in terror of inflicting this situation on my own children and I hope this will never be the case.

Best wishes to you for your care and thoughtfulness towards your friend.

Helen xx

Hello Helen....thank you for your post.
l'm waiting for them to arrive, any minute l think.
Daughter phoned a few hrs ago to let me know how her mum has been today....not good l'm afraid. Just hoping she knows me.
Was abit concerned that they are driving this distance, but daughter is sure its mum won't hit out at husband....fingers x'd.
l'm with you there Helen, l live in terror too!!!

jude x

Jude, whether she knows you or not ,just think of the help you are offering your friend's daugter and husband. They will all enjoy a trip away with someone who cares.

Please let me know how you get on. xx

Jude~~

I just typed out a reply and with this new layout I backspaced and it just whoosed !

In short, MIL suffered with dementia / Alzheimers. Blo*dy hard going as carers.
It's very kind of you to invite them for the weekend and I hope she will remember Symonds Yat , a lovely place. I hope you have a 'good weekend' as you can have together.(whilst dealing with her hubby )
Peeps take it differently with dealing with a relative with Dementia, with MIL hubby and I got the backlash from her, only cos we were the ones she were closest to:(......her hubby(my hubby's stepfather ) had died a few yr before.
He sounds very much in denial, doesn't help his dau, but indicates how much he loves her, sounds as if he he could do with some counselling... he's not going to listen to family or friends.
Have to go now hubby want's to go go to bed......not what you think , my PC is in the bedroom !, Will go on his laptop in a mo.

Sandie.x

Jude,

Whether she knows you or not , just think of the help you are offering your friend her daugter and husband. They will all enjoy some time away from home,with someone who cares for them.

(I've just realised i've almost repeated the previous post to mine !!)

Hope you have some valuable time with your friend over the weekend;) and that friends' hubby will see that , and want to do it for himself:)

Sandie.x

I have just read all the postings on here and once agin it reminds me of how kind people are.
I did send a message before and having read everything again I just thought that I would say that as a person who is still working as a nurse I would offer to help in anyway I can. Last year someone was on a thread and wanted to know how to get a real diagnosis of which type of Demntia a friend had and then how to determine which type of care home for either respite or long term care would be best for the person concerned. I was delighted when I heard that the right home had been found and now and again I receive a pm with an update.
Should the family want help with this or if anyone needs this kind of support please send me a private message.

Jude, you sound a great friend and I am not trying to intrude.

Bridget

Jude, hope the visit goes to plan and you can get out with your friend to the place she remembered so fondly. It would be such a shame if the weather spoiled this visit for you all.

Been thinking about you and hope some headway can be made with the husband,

Lizxx

Thanks again everyone:o)

We have had a lovely weekend. She recognised us straight away and knew where she was. We've laughed, cried, sang along with Robbie and Gary, talked about alsorts, even though others would'nt have known what on earth she was on about, we did!! We went upto Symonds Yat and the Kymins....freezing but lovely
One time she thought she was going home and burst into tears, it took a good 5-10 mins for her to believe she was'nt.

l chatted to husband and l would say he is NOT IN DENIAL, he is perfectly aware of what is going on. There are always two sides to every story, l have been aware of both, but l think l have caught up some!!
l fired quite a few questions at him and we were brutally honest with each other.
So, l think time will tell and maybe l need to chat to daughter abit!!!!

jude xx

Glad you all had a good time :-)

Perhaps your friend's OH is like a lot of men - can't express their feels, or perhaps he is trying to spare their daughter? What ever the reasoning, its good that it all out in the open. At least you can relax a little now that 'everyone' knows the situation.

Jude, I have only just read this thread and sad as the situation is, your friend is very lucky to have you in her life. Her husband must be devastated to see the woman he loves suffering from this awful illness. Im glad you had a nice weekend together and hope that a suitable place can be found for her so that her family can enjoy the time they spend with her instead of struggling to cope. Her daughter is deserving of a life of her own too and Dad will have to realise this.
Take care,

Cath xx

Det....mmm you could be right!!

Thank you Cath.

jude xx

Jude so pleased that you were able to give your friend so much pleasure this weekend and also that you could talk to her husband. I hope that a solution can be found for them all.

Thought l would update on my friend with alzheimers.

Sadly my friend goes into a home on Monday, initially for 2 weeks respite, If all goes well she will stay there.

Husband is now very aware of what is going on and he and daughter are communicating better!!

jude x

Hello Jude,

My MIL went into a home last Friday, initially for 20 days respite care with possiblity of 40 days. She suffers from Alzheimers also. My SIL has been looking after her Mum for the last three years and is finding it very hard to let go.

She has a husband and young family too look after and has been an absolute brick looking after MIL.

My OH is hoping after the respite that his Sister will be able to accept that MIL is in the best place.

It is so hard to watch the dengeneration of your loved one.

I wish your friend well and that her family can pull together, not an easy ask.

Regards,

Susan

I hope all goes well for your friend now Jude and that she likes it in the home. Hopefully it is a good one and she will get the best attention. It is good that her husband now accepts the situation and that he and his daughter are now able to talk.

Hi Jude,
Hopefully you're friend will settle in at the home and get round the clock attention to enable her to still have a life. Im glad her family are communicating better and that her husband has accepted things. It can't be easy to watch somebody you love dearly go into such a decline.
I wish them all the best.

Cath xx

Reading about Jude's friend and all the distress her illness caused those who were looking after her has made me once again so much appreciate the love and care given by my brother-in-law to my beloved sister who had this illness for ten years. He cared for her in their own home and would not entertain any suggestions from outsiders that she should go away to looked after. At the age of 79 she died on 26/11/10. He is 83 and in March this year they would have been married for 60 years.

Lovely messages thank you:o)

Joeva & Susan........it is such a hard decision to make. Joe what an amazing man your b i l is.
Susan - l do hope all goes well for your M i l.

In our situation the family are finding it hard to sleep(amongst other things) (friend was awake all night , night before last) and communicate with her, and the daughter is seeing someone other than her mother!!!!
The son is the one who is'nt understanding things now, hopefully he will be at a gathering tomorrow....family want to talk about what they take in with her etc...
l was with them all for a week, a couple of weeks ago and she kept standing up putting her arms out to me, giving me the most wonderful cuddle and kissing my ear!!! and she whispered "l love you"....phewwww, as you can imagine that got to me!
But we all know this is the right thing todo. She is very agitated and gets aggresive towards her daughter, who is only 25yrs old.

If you want l will let you know how she settles in!!??

Take care
jude x

Jude ~~

Yes please,re updates.. I'm sure we all share your concern.. having been in a similar situation myself.
I'm sure she's in the best place, I was speaking to someone from the Altimeters Society who told me it was 'not a good idea' to try and look after the patient yourself, especially if you work, hubby and and I were at the time.

Jovea~~
Your BiL is a diamond:)

Sandie.x

Jude,

I hope your friend's family can pull together over this latest situation with the respite care and possible permanent move to the home. Her husband and daughter especially need some time to recover from the difficulties of caring for your dear friend and if they see she has settled happily it might be kinder to leave her at the home if possible so that they can have a bit of life back to themselves and know she is being well cared for. If it's nearby they can visit often even tho it might be that she stops recognising them completely.
Do keep us posted, and take care yourself, I know you must be upset at seeing this happen, even tho you know it's probably the best for everyone.

Lizx