General Chat

Enough Francis?

OK, that should keep the office giggling until at least 10 o'clock.

Thanks

Frances

I liked the sunburn one!

Thought you might lol

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kg's?

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying 'Yo.'

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe.'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


Bob
lifted this from the threadkillers!

Loved it, thanks Bob

Thanks for the laughs folks. I'm off to bed now, but can't wait to hear what OH says when he gets to work and gets a screen full of jokes.

If he sends any back I will post them tomorrow night.

Night all.

Frances

Nighty nite Francis

As a morning coffee night cap!!

There is a new study about women, and how they feel about their ars's
The results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ars is too fat,
10% of women think their ars is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care ,
They love him,he's a good man and
They wouldn't change him for the world.
Bob

Hi McB and Bob

Just to let you know OH was VERY impressed by last nights jokes and now says he understands why I spend so much time on here!

Thanks again - and if you have any more, I will pass them on!

Frances

Hiya Francis Here ya go, NELSON MANDELA
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

'You not Nissan Main Deala?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy-Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy-Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy-Sue planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy-Sue likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy-Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy-Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '

A young lad walks into the chemist and says
"a packet of erm, a packet of"

The chemist, recognising his anguish says
"condoms?"
"yes, condoms" he replies.

"Ah" says the chemist, "is it your first time?"
"yes but I've been planning it for ages" he replies.

"I'm going round to her house for tea and then her parents are going out so we're going to listen to some CD's and then we're going to do it in her parents bed"

"Sounds like you're in for a good night then" the chemists says.

Later that evening the boy goes round to the house and knocks on the door, the girls father answers,
"Come in, she's upstairs getting ready"

"They all sit down for tea and the boy puts his hands together, closes his eyes and recites
"for what we are about to recieve"

"you never said you were religious" whispered the girl.

"No, and you never said your Dad was a Chemist"

Thanks McB,

He's gonna loves these too.

Frances

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


The priest fainted.

Naughty, but made me laugh.

Fab thread Brian chuck!!! Hiya Frances, Gawd think we all need a laugh!!!!!


Caz xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Caz, yes it does make you feel better doesn't it? I have been chuckling all day thinking about some of last nights jokes.

Hiya Caz, Yeh it takes less muscles to smile than frown. lol

Mcb xxx

It sure does Frances, think we all need it in this credit crunch!!

I agree totally Bri, { do you mind me calling you that cos my Dad gets that?}


Caz xx