General Chat

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?
Well...........

Husband 1 was an Architect; he kept on telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was a Services Consultant; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.
Husband 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was .....God I miss him!
But now that I've married you, 'I'm so excited!'
'Great' said the husband, 'but, why?'
'You're an Estate Agent. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get sc*****d

Heard this a long time ago, and it still makes me laugh

Liked this one McB, have passed it on to my OH - I just know he will send it round his office,LOL.

Frances

A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody tap notch burd.

An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.

So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.

It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.

So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.

So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.

Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.

They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.

Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.

Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.

Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.

Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.

Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.

Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer


Perhaps you are right, Ive changed it for another......

Oh dear Bob, I think you might be in trouble for that one, lol.

I was thinking that

with the GR police? or the xxxxxxxxx fans.....?

is that better?
(nicked that one from an email as well!)
Bob

Not sure if it's better but it made me smile!!

as long as it raised a smile, i'm happy.....
Bob

Have sent it on to my OH, when he gets that at work tomorrow I can guarantee it will do the rounds - keep em coming!

Here ya go then Francis

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her..

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

The funeral for Bob is on Friday.

Thanks, McB, have sent that one on too. OH is not going to get any work done tomorrow have sent him 4 now, keep them coming, lets see how many jokes I can send him in one night!

How to win on stocks and shares

the stock market explained!!


Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 however, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!


Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Bob

An Englisman an Irishman and a Scotsman had committed a heinous crime in Paris and were in due course sentenced to die on the guillotine.
The night before the execution's were due to take place, the condemned men chose by lot the order of their death's.
The following morning, as the dawn was breaking, the Englishman walked out into the courtyard and with a clear voice said to the executioner " I will face the blade ".
They strapped him down and with one quick movement the executioner pulled the lever and the blade began it's decent but it stopped inches from the Englishmens neck.
The executioner cried out " I have only one chance monsieur ", you are free to go.
Next up was the Scotsman and he too elected to face the blade. The machine had been checked, nothing could be found to impede the blade but once again the machine failed and the Scotsman went free.
Last up was paddy and he too elected to face the blade. The executioner strapped him down whilst the assistant's checked and re-checked the machine. They could find nothing wrong! The executioner put his hand on the lever and at this point paddy cried out " Hang on a minute, I think I can see where it is sticking "

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.



The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like me to put them on your bill?''



''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

bob

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fire

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.. Billy just sat there with
his mouth wide open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin' anyway?'

Billy says, 'Highlights from Wimbledon'

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINK, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

'WHEN D ID YOU GRADUATE?' I A SKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN,
THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED,
OLD MAN ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, ''It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs"