General Chat

PADDY'S FINGERS

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jaysus,it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!

And Paddy said, ' How da hell was I 'sposed to pick dem up?'

Any more jokes around please ????

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.



In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was Questioning Seamus.



'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.



Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'



'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'



Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'



The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.

Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud .

Please tell him to simply answer the question.'



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.



Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying,

I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.



However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.



Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,

'How are you feeling?'



'Now what would you say?'

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home
.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'S**T!'
said the Hypnotist.



...It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home!!!

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS

AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS

AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST

TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD

MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU

KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON

THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE

FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,
only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious...

Here she is in the middle of her first run for President
as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
'How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you? I can't believe this!
I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?'

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice,
in a barely audible whisper, he asks:



'Who's speaking?'

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women
use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held
contention that women, in general, and his wife in particular, talked
too much, he showed her the study results, which stated: 'Men use about
15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.'

His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, 'That's because we have to repeat everything we say.'

The husband said, 'What?'

Brill jokes

pmsl

To make it stand, you wet it !


To make it wet, you suck it !



To make it stiff, you lick it !



To get it in, You push it!



Damn !!!!!!!



Threading a needle when you are older is a BITCH!

The pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.

Ya gotta love the Irish!



Paddy was working atthe fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all
10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see
what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da
fingers?!?'



And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

Thanks Mac
Enjoyed reading them again :O)) x