General Chat

......anyone got any funny tales or jokes to cheer me up??

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Lol............ well that's a start anyway.

Thanks

Here goes Maggy,

A woman answers the door to a market researcher,
"Good Morning, Madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes all the time, It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns" she replies.

"Do you use it for anything else? " he asks.
"Well ......ahem...... er.......well...during....ahem...sex" she whispers.

"Well madam. I'm astonised by your honesty. Out of all the people who have completed our research questionnaire, you are the first to admit using it for sex. Would you mind explaining for me how you use it during sex?"

"Oh. why of course1 It's quite simple, really. We smear it all over ........................................























The outside of the bedroom doorknob, then shut the door. This way the kids can't get in.


Hope it makes you laugh.

Helen

My mate got mixed up with vaseline and putty.

All his windows fell out.

Love those.

Keep them coming!

No good telling jokes Maggy but sending a big hug,


Caz xxx

Dai goes to the family doctor and asks if he can have a vasectomy. The doctor asks him if he's discussed the matter with the family.

"Of course I have" replies Dai, and they're all in agreement 15 to 1.

Like it Helen.

Thanks for the hug Caz, just feeling sorry for myself today.

shortly after I took delivery of my lovely new Nissan Micra a few years back I ventured into Cardiff city centre and used a multi-storey car park. Parked the car, looked on the wall, 5 it said, so earmarking that in my head off I went to do my shopping,. Came back, lift up to 5th floor, no car!!! Flaming mad now, had four cars stolen over the years - down to ground floor, used mobile to call police - apologised for using 999 but didn't know any other number. Nice policewoman said see if there is CCTV on that floor and call me back. Found an attendant, by which time a crowd had gathered cos I was steaming - "hope they kill themselves in it etc.", people saying "we'll never park in this one ever again" and "would you like a lift home". Attendant said there was no CCTV on the 5th floor and whilst I was sitting there feeling a bit dejected, down on the ground floor I noticed a number 5 on the wall opposite. What's that I asked - 5 miles per hour he said!!! So it turned out my car was on the 3rd floor!! Am I the first person to make such a mistake - no he said, people are doing it all the time - so why not put m.p.h. under the 5 I asked, but it fell on stoney ground

I was depressed earlier, so I called the Samaritans.

Got a call centre in Afganistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

What do you call a Deer with no Eyes?

No Idea...........Sorry . Its the only joke I remember..

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bul t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't p... people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

PS Send me 15 bucks and then .... off.

well I trust you are feeling a bit cheered up now!!!

Blessed is he who can laugh at himself, he will never cease to be amused.

It really is helping Ann thanks. Loved the tale about the car. Someone I know went to Whitby for the day, parked the car in the carpark. Went for the car later and it had gone. Reported it to the police and they found it the next day, exactly where he'd parked it!!

Thanks everyone else.

By the way Ann, I love Cardiff!!

'The Obedient Wife'
>
> There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
> money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
>
> Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to
> take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
> money to the afterlife with me.'
>
> And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart that
> when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
>
> Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
> sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to
> her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers
> got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
>
> She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put
> it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket
> down and they rolled it away.
>
> So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all
> that money in there with your husband.'
>
> The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I' m a Christian; I cannot go back
> on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the
> casket with him.'
>
> You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
>
> 'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my
> account , and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can
> spend it.'
>

Love it Brenda!

Hi Maggie - if ever you feel like a trip to Cardiff you can always stay with me!!!

A one eyed man went into a bar and saw a troubled Vincent van Gogh nursing a pint.

"Hi Vince,", says the man, "Can I get you a drink"

'No thanks" replied van Gogh, " I've got one 'ear, maybe some other time"

"Alright" says the man, "I'll keep an eye out for ya"-----


Bob