General Chat

Kids in Church (in America ) 3-year-old, Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, 'Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: 'Lead us not into temptation,' she prayed, 'but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And one particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.' 'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus was strolling through Heaven one day when he saw an old man sitting on a cloud, staring into the distance. 'Old Man' said Jesus, 'this is Heaven, why are you so sad?' The old man didn't bother to turn his head as he said 'I've been looking for my son, and I haven't been able to find him'. Jesus said 'Tell me about it'. 'Well' said the old man, still gazing to the sunlit horizon, 'on earth, I was a carpenter, and one day my son went away. I've never heard from him again, and I was hoping I'd find him here in Heaven'. His heart suddenly pounding in his chest, Jesus bent over the man and said 'Father?' The old man turned and replied 'Pinnochio?'.

After the World Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?' and the Guinness president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, 'Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye''. Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, 'Who the hell ARE you?'. Too that the Missus replied, 'I'm the divil ya' damned old fool'. To which Flaherty remarked, 'Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister.'

I'm just nudging this up to lighten the mood tonight. Ok....:~)

theres this elderly lady in the nursing home,rushing around on her wheelchair,when a man jumps in front of her,SHOW ME YOUR DRIVING LICENCE he says rudely,she waves her lottery ticket at him,and whizzes on. up pops another man,SHOW ME YOUR MOT,he says rudely,she waves her tesco receipt at him,and whizzes on.shes almost back to her room,when another man pops up,and undoes his zip....oh no she says NOT ANOTHER BREATHALISER! BRYAN.

A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it. Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?" Christine

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask: The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and contraception." The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case. The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also. Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! Microsoft's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life. PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

A man goes into the confessional, “Father, I’m 74 years old, and I just had sex with two 17 year old girls” The father says, “That’s quite a sin, how long has it been since your last confession?” He says, “I’ve never been to confession before father, I’m Jewish” The priest says, “So what are you telling me all this for?” The old guy says, “I’m telling everybody!”

A penguin is driving into town to buy ice cream, he just loves ice cream when his car breaks down at the edge of town. The mechanic says he won’t be able to even look at it for an hour and a half. “That’s okay! That’ll give me just enough time to go get my ice cream!” He waddles off into town, and buys 5 vanilla ice cream cones, finishing the last one just as he gets back to the car, where the mechanic is just coming up from under the hood, shaking his head and saying, “You’ve blown a seal.” The penguin replies, while wiping his chin, “No, no... It’s vanilla ice cream!”

A little old man in a nursing home walks up to an little old lady and says, “Hey, guess how old I am!” She unzips his fly, reaches her hand in, and fondles him for a couple of minutes, then announces, “You’re 72!” “That’s amazing! How’d you know?” She says, “You told me yesterday!”

hope you don't mind me joining in love these threads lol paddy buys a bath takes it back next day complaining water keeps running out manager says did you buy a plug? paddy says you s** you never told me it was electric! thats the only tame one i have the others are to risky lol mary mary quite contrary how does your garden grow? you stupid ***** i live in a flat so how the hell would i know! tina xx

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test. The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc. The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..." Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?" "Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

Hi Philip, They really are brilliant....had me in stitches. Don't think you'll get any complaints from the folks who visit these pages; more likely to get "encores"...from me anyway. Brian

Philip, These are too funny for this early on a Sunday morning (dog woke me up, wanting to go out). These are funnier than the car insurance claim howlers. Sue

If you find any of the 'jokes' I put on here offensive, please let me know and I will remove them. Here are some genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the council about the problems with their flats. *My bush is overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. *He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. *It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow. *I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. *I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. *And their 18yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. *I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think that it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. *My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? *I am writing this on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. *Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. *I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. *50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. *The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. *Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink. *Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is three pieces. *I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now too much for me. *The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. *Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please can you send someone around to do something about it. *I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. *Please can you send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. *I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

Just been sent these so I thought I would share them! A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh!" said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." ********************************************************************************************************* One day an evil witch took over the forest, ''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else I'll cut off your head!'' The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the animals laughed except for a tortoise........so the witch cut off his head. Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the animals off laughing... but still, a tortoise did not laugh...so the witch cut off her head. Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, a tortoise started laughing... ''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked. "The monkey's joke was very funny...'' was the reply. ********************************************************************************************************* One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town. As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride. Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along merrily for a few kilometres, the engine sputtered and the car rolled to a halt. Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr Caterpillar's amazement! However, he did not say a word. The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again. This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that. The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee. By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometres from town. Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap. In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car. "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee. "I'm going to pee in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr Caterpillar. "Oh! no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do................................................ scroll down................................. wait for it................................... This car only runs on Bee Pee ."

just like my namesake,ive been wondering if mines acceptable,if not please say,and i will delete....... wife says to hubby...my breasts are tiny,i really wished they would get bigger. hubby says,no probs,just wipe toilet paper between them,they will get big in no time. wife says,are you sure wiping toilet paper between my breasts will make them big. hubby says...well,it worked on your arxe,didnt it!!! bryan.

Nice one Brian ;-)

OK, Had to give it a little while to see if there are any prudes amongst you....as if!...LOL Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?" Patient: Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time. The doctor nods, "Hmmm" Patient: "My farts don't stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look we've been talking here for a couple of minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmmm", says the doctor. He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled. "Great Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No" sighs the doctor, " The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back to take a hearing test". Worth waiting for? Brian

paddy wins the canadian lottery and goes to collect his $5 000 000 but is told he gets paid $20 000 yearly so paddy says bugger that i'll have me pound back