General Chat

Len I quite agree, luckly the funeral in our fmaily have been few and far between. One in 2004 and before that 1993. My daughter was only9 mths so she didn't attend. But i did feel she should go last year. I wasn't allowed to go to my grandads and say goodbye and i've never forgiven that. I was 11 as well, and we'd been close.

HERE HERE LEN, totally agree, however there are many many people who wouldn't

Children who are taken to funerals (as soon as they are old enough not to disrupt the service) are better able to cope with these things when they are older. It helps them understand and accept the natural order of things. Len

In Nov 1996 my husband lost his father very unexpectedly and I did not allow my sons, then 14 years and 7 years old to attend the funeral.. I felt it would be too much for them emotionally.. Then just 5 weeks later my husband lost his mother, and I again told my boys that I felt it best that they did not attend.. My 7 year old son looked me directly in the face and said 'You did not let us say goodbye to grandad, please let us say goodbye to nana'!! I changed my mind and allowed them to attend, and I am glad I did, they used that time to also say goodbye to their grandad, as their nana was placed to rest in his grave also.. I had not thought about it as it being their way to say goodbye to their grandparents, I dont know what I had thought, but it was not that, and it took my 7 year old son to point out to me that that is exactly what a funeral is.. saying goodbye to a respected person in your life.. Mazzie x

Shelli I think it depends on the children. My Mum wouldn't let my 8 year old and my nephew of the same age attend their great Grandad's funeral last month as she thought they were too young. My little girl was quite upset at this and so was I as I think she is quite capable of handling something like that. Jeanette x

A difficult question, it really depends on the child. When my Mum died 5 years ago. My cousin's son and daughter 10 and 8 years old asked if they could go to the funeral as Aunty Sheila was good to them and they wanted to say goodbye. Tthey handled it beautifully and still talk about my Mum today and everything she did for them. Rebecca

I was never allowed to go to funerals as a child. I was even not told of my father's first heart attack until a fortnight after it occurred. Perhaps I would have reacted badly, but the hurt of being excluded is with me still. I am sure it depends on the circumstances of the death. Untimely deaths, particularly of children, are likely to be deeply distressing. Celebrating a life is very different and should be as inclusive as possible. In the end, it has got to depend on the individual child, but you don't necessarily help them by shutting them out of the grieving process. Brenda

The only deaths in our family since we've had children have been my in-laws. When my mother-in-law died my older son was 2 and I was pregnant with the 2nd. Older one came with us and my mum came too to look after him. He got a bit restless and mum took him outside during part of the service, but he didn't really know what was going on. When my father-in-law died, both children came - oldest was 6 and youngest was 4. The both came to the funeral as did their cousins, who were 4 and 2. The children played together at the reception and having them there lightened the mood a bit. Both my parents-in-law were cremated, and we took the ashes for burial in the Welsh village where my father-in-law came from. They were in 2 small boxes and the children were concerned that 'marna and parder' wouldn't fit in them. I matter-of-factly explained that they had been burned and were ashes, but their memories lived on and they were at peace. They were quite happy with that. Because the caskets were so light, my elder son and the elder cousin carried them into the church for the service and they seemed happy to have a role. I think very small children are very straight-forward about things. If you have a bereavement in the family, there are going to be plenty of emotional moments anyway, and you can't hide everything from your children. A funeral shows that everyone has the opportunity to remember and be thankful for someone's life. nell

My husband had a very different up- bringing to me regarding funerals, family crisis etc. In his words he was sheltered from the reality of life up until an age when his parents decided that he was old enough to cope with. The reality was, that he was much more aware and capable than his parents gave him credit for, as a result he resented the fact that so many things were 'kept from him'.We decided that our children will never feel this way.

Like someone said previously . there is no right or wrong answer to this. I didn't attend my first funeral until I was an adult - it being not considered appropriate to attend family funerals as a child . I found the first difficult to deal with and I often wonder if it was because of the fact that the whole idea of death, dying and funerals had been taboo subjects for children in my family. I don't think I would take a child to a funeral of a friend or distant relative that the child did not know well but as for close relatives, my grandaughter was only 2 years old when she went to my mother's funeral, the youngest of 7 great grandchildren there - the eldest being 14 years old. My great niece insisted on actually going to say goodbye to her great grandfather, my dad, in the chapel of rest. She would have been 11 years old then and they had been very close. It didn't distress her at all- but thereagain - she did used to keep dead birds and things she had found in her bedroom! Personally I think going to funerals of close family shows respect and gives a child the same chance to say goodbye as an adult - it just depends if they want to go - no child should be made to in my opinion but if they want to - then as long as they can feel free to leave if things get too much they should be allowed to. Magsxx

My 2 went to their g/granmothers funeral. It was a West Inidian funeral which tend to be different from ours, and what my b/f said was they know how they came into the world and they now know what happens when you die. They weren't upset by it and never asked any questions. Julie

Even though my son Is almost ten, I still answer his questions as truthfully as I can about death. He has learned about life and death and the feelings it provokes. He still understands, its just that I dont want him to have to face it full on, when he doesnt have to. When my stepmum died four years ago. Her grandson also then 10 went to the funeral, as he was asked if he would like to attend. He semed ok on the day, so his mother decided to take him to the scattering of the ashes some weeks later. A few weeks later, he began wetting himself in bed and having nightmares, seems the funeral ect had affected him more than people thought Elaine x

Hi Shelli, I took my 2 to their great grandads funeral last year at age 3 and 4, the family was split about whether they should have been there, but my grandad doted on his 'greats' so I knew what to do and once a fortnight we take flowers to his grave and my youngest stands and talks to him and pats the mud down with his wellies, who knows if this is right or wrong but it definately 'feels' right.

Thank you Shelli Adrian xxx

There are no right or wrong answer to this question, it is purely a personal choice for each and every family. In my family dying, death and funerals have never been a taboo subject, we were always told as children that dying is as natural as being born. My children (now aged 17 and 14) have attended six funerals, four of them being both sets of grandparents. they were aged 7 and 4 when they went to their first.

i attended a fellow classmates funeral when i was 10 years old, he was knocked down by a car. i was ok at the funeral, little tears, but i do clearly remember my pal's mam & dad and family distraught with their loss. their emotion is still clear to see, in my memory. when my sister died aged 34 years 3 years ago, i could not attend. people feel they must pay their last respects, i cannot. i like to remember them in my memory, the way they were when they were alive and chatting to me. i guess thats a better picture i should of had when i was 10 years old and not forced to pay my last respects.

well i gave my daughter the choice last yr whether or not go the funeral. I thought she should go so when it was someone who she was close to she wouldn't be overwhelmed. She chose not to go .. fair enough. Ady that is lovely xxx

All my grandchildren cmae to their step grandas funeral just over 2 yrs ago,youngest age range from aged 13months old up to 19yrs old, have 17 grandkids. The children need to learn about death,birth and life. Even know my grandson aged 5 looks up at the sky and says my grandad's are up there in Heaven. Sue

My little girl lost her grandma 3 yrs ago she did not go to the funeral as the were very close but one day she said grandma is still with me and showed me a star in the sky that is grandma she said prehaps not relevent but i thought i would share it with you Adrian xxx

i am sorry if you read my answer, when i clicked on your thread there was nothing there but see below so i thought you were having a joke anyway i have had this same problem lately, i would say about 12 years old and only if they want to and ofcourse depending how close they were