General Chat

what do you say to a chav with a job? Big mac please!

Remember, you should always give 100% at work... 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday Davex

A woman was very distraught at the fact she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, 'OK, take off aw your crows.' She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. 'Now,' said Wang, 'get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room.' Having done what Dr. Wang said, 'Okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me.' Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, 'OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see... that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex.' Confused, the woman asked, 'What is Ed Zachary Disease?' Wang replied, 'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.'

How can you get your name in lights the world over? Change your name to Emergency Exit!

A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in the next seat, '..and where are you going?' 'I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention,' he replys. 'Eunuchs convention?' she questions. 'I didn't know there were that many of you.'

COFFEE, CROISSANTS AND WRIGLEYS An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. 'D'ya eat jam with the bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'Of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.' The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said, 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' 'We throw them away, of course.' Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?' Tony Oz

Knock Knock! Who's there? Mayonaise Mayonaise who? Mayonaise has seen the glory of the coming of the lord!!!!!!

Knock knock. Who's there? You. You who? Yoo-hoo, I'm over here!

Joy !! I've been invited to a Unix convention ! lol

you're all mad but it's working. xx

Paul??? !! :-) .... well, I'm pleased it seems to be helping. There are some brilliant joke websites about!! :-) Joy

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. 'Damn', says the ant, 'one night of passion and now I'll spend the rest of my life digging a grave!'

This attractive blonde... ...person, goes into the Job Centre on Monday morning to register for work. The person is given a form to fill in....and does so... Forename: Chris Surname: Jones Age: 22 Address: 15 Park Street, Anytown Sex: Not since Friday Brian, ;~O )

There were two new born babies in the nursing home. One looked across to the other and said 'Hello, you a boy or a girl ?' The other replied 'Don't know - how do you tell?' The first said 'easy, I'm a boy' and pulled up his nightie and said 'look- blue bootees' len

Joy, Unix is the type of operating system that I work with (in case you wondered lol) Paul

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was 'Onestone'. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????............................ Oh, come on...take a guess! Think about it . And the moral is ....You can't kill two birds with one stone!!! Tony Oz :>))

brilliant Tony love it! D

very good, Tony! :-) ................ Paul - I found that under a section headed computers! :-) ....................... Joy

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of 'IEEE'? A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee]

The minister announced that next Sunday he would preach a special sermon, and in the meantime be wanted everyone to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark. A week later he asked all those in the congregation who had read the seventeenth chapter of Mark to raise their hands. Almost everyone did so. “Just as I thought,” the minister said. “My sermon will be on Honesty. There are only sixteen chapters in the Book of Mark.” Jacquie xxx