General Chat

Here's another lawyer one. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

Get with it, Jood, lol

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Poiceman, Salesman,Chippy,Captain of Industry etc, . . . but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.' The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true. 'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for Collingwood, but I was just too embarrassed to say.'

Hey you noisy lotta chatterboxes, Im about 2 pages behind, where Fitz says he's in the mood for deep and meaningful conversation and here you all are telling dirty jokes. Oohhh wait till Lara hears about THAT!!!! pmsl Oh well, back to what I was doing 10 minutes ago! Jood

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk when they play? A: To get away from the sound!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other woman replies, 'Yes I am, I married the wrong man.'

Teee Heee did I just count right ???? Did I get that number afte all ???? L xo

A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre. He approached a policeman and said, 'I've lost my dad!' The cop asked , 'What's he like?' The little boy replies, 'Beer and women with big tits'

Honest, I was on my laptop and had set up a new browser, wanted to put Wattle on it - and had to enter all my details, saw how many msgs were left - otherwise I would just have clicked on Wattle and bypassed that part - oh shuddup Jood - no one can understand you. I was sooo overcome, I shut down Wattle, and then remembered why I had gone in there - to 'save' the site .. pmsl Jood <poor Jude - no-one believes her>

Are we telling jokes??? Here's one, hope I've sensored in all the right places. :-)) A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl 'Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot' 'Do you know what size you are?' she asked. 'No,' he replied. 'OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are'. The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone '1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please', he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says 'one packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please', the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. 'I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot' he says. 'Do you know what size you are?' she asked. 'No,' he replied. 'OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!'

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. 'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'it's Micheal O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.' 'That's nothing,' says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O'Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died.' Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!' 'What was his name?' asked Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, 'Miles, from Dublin.'

Yep, there goes that lunatic racing through the thread again *wanders off to the shed to arm the 303*

Eh? I wuz jest strolling past - I dint know you were having an in depth conversation :( I missed anyway, it wasn't Laurie it was Cat OOooops wrong again - it was Rebs Jood

oh bummer Laurie .. pmsl

Bloody Nora. Laurie and I do all the work and you buggers just lurk away in the background! Sheesh

She's a Reb She's a Reb . . . Yahoo shes back L xo

bingo

Greetings !!! *runs cackling mischievously through thread*

Lew, That brings to mind the old one brain cells come and brain cells go . . . but fat cells will live on forever L xo

Sorry, couldnt resist