General Chat

Lucia, don't tell us about making money out of them is wrong - tell the government.

good point Trish

Thanks Blue :-) I really like asking you all for your opinions. I think it gives me a broader perspective on things.

Well it is a question we all have to ask ourselves NOW. I would rather stay in my own home, but even at this stage in my life.. and I'm only 66 (soon) I need a lot of help. My husband cooks for me and does the shopping, we share the housework, which means I do all the VERY easy things and he does the rest. My son takes me out for Doctors, and Hospital appointments.Or to do any shopping I want to do. Or to visit my friends or go to the theatre. Give us another 5 years and we may not be able to do this much. I don't want my son to feel obliged to take me to his home. I talked of this with him when he was about 15, and told him then that he is NOT responsible for us. He heard me out and said that he had no intention of looking after us in our old age!! The first time I wet my knickers........... I'm in a home! LOL I'm sure there are many wonderful homes run by caring people, and I know that if I were in one, G*D help anyone who ill treated us. Our son would sort them out. What was the question?? LOL Oh yes..... I remember. Yes I would go into a home. Deanna X :-0)

Lucia Of course ideally no-one wants to go into a home. My Father used to say the same thing and ' give me a pill if i lose my senses.' We looked after him as long as we could but when he had a series of strokes then Dementia he lost use of his faculties and had to have 24hr care. Our Family did not take the decision lightly I can assure you. We stayed with him for hours every day,and yes he used to shout 'Help me' but wasn't aware he was doing so. i used to think the same as you when i was your age,but you'll learn that life doesn't always go as you would plan it. Sorry if I sound overbearing,I don't want to be mean to you, but i will live with the guilt of my Father being in care,even though it was for the best for him. Love Mau x

Thanks Mau, and I don't think you sound overbearing at all. Yes, I understand, it can't always be easy but sometimes it is for the best.

To have any form of 'care in the community' you first have to have a community that cares. Sadly, gone are the streets where whole families lived close to one another and this sort of care would have been taken care of happily and without a second thought. My first choice wouldn't be to go into a home but neither do I expect my children to take on the burden of my care if I'm not able to care for myself. Shoot me! Mags xx

I would rather go into a home than expect my children to care for me. Saying that, my father in law lived in the annexe of our house for the last 14 years of his life. He was mentally alert, but could be very stubborn and awkward at times, especially towards the end. It was hard work sometimes, but he loved being with family and taking an interest in all we did. At least he died loved, warm, clean and well nourished.

My Father was 87, fiercely independant,very smart, and did all his own meals, before he took ill. (we always did his cleaning and washing). He loved his garden and worked in it every day it was beautiful. Life though can be cruel and thank God none of us knows what it has in store for us. He lived life to the fullest and had a great sense of humour. So we live on by his adages and are sure we won't go far wrong. Sorry if i'm sounding morbid, but like all of you who have lost a parent I do miss him. Mau X

There isn't much alternative for many people other than for to go into a nursing home. When people need 24 hour care - and some of that medical - and their families can't afford not to work or they have no families, what can they do? Also, the children of many elderly people are not young and fit themselves when so many people are living into their 80s, 90s and beyond and are often physically incapable of caring properly for their relatives. Very few people opt lightly to put family members in nursing homes - I would say before anyone judges anyone else they ought to try caring 24 hours a day, seven days a week for a relative who, for example, is bedridden or suffering with Alzheimers. It's both physically and emotionally exhausting and anyone who manages it long term has my admiration.

Yes that is true David, I think if I were older I'd have a different perspective on this. Thank you for posting your views :-)

Thank you David,you have made me feel a little better. Love Maureen X

A very erudite reply David. When we were younger my Grandma, Mum and Auntie all lived with us in a house large enough to accommodation 8 of us with everyone being able to have their own space. It worked well. By the time my beloved Mum died we were still only in our forties. With a reversal of fortunes we no longer have a large house. In our sixties with neither of us physically the ticket we now have MIL, 89 living with us. It is very hard to cope. We told our boys a long time ago 'Just put us in a home when we can't manage any more, we'll be the entertainments committee, except when we're snoozing in front of the tele' lol

I go and visit my friends mam and dad in a home every week. Hes got alzheimers and shes got motor neurons desease. It's very sad that this has happened to two of the best people I know but I feel very sorry for my friend cos she feels dead guilty for putting them there! Ali x

I would hate to have to go into a home But would hate to be a burden to my 2 daughters I,ll just save my pills up and go to sleep a burden to nobody Maureen

may I add that I would never think ill of anyone putting their parents in a care home. We just happened to be living in a large house, at the right time of our lives to be able to look after my father in law. My mother, who lived three hundred miles away, went into a home, because my sister who lived nearby, worked full time and had two little children. A lot depends on the condition of the parent, your own health, finances, work commitments and more importantly, how well you get on with the parent.

This is something that I've given a lot of thought to recently, Lucia. Ideally, people stay in the bosom of their families until the last, loved and cared for by familiar faces. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. Families live miles apart, have very busy lives and our old folk - whom I am rapidly catching up with - are living longer than ever before without necessarily the quality of life they would hope for. I would not want to be a burden to my family. 24 hour a day care 7 days a week is unbearable for most. If I needed that amount of care I would prefer to be in a place where people are paid to look after me and get to go home for a break after their shift. As for the cost, I don't see why, if I have the resources, I shouldn't be expected to pay for that amount of care. It's one thing to have my medical expenses met by the government but day-to-day care is another matter. As the child of my parents I don't see it as my 'right' to be left a legacy. It's their money to do with as they wish and need. Likewise, if I don't have anything to leave my children because of needs in my lifetime, so be it, I'm sure they'll cope. I understand the sentiments of some who say why should they scrimp and save in a lifetime to see others who are more profligate with their money be cared for for 'free' , but my own view is that what other's do is none of my business. So long as my conscience is clear, that's all that really matters. There is no system that is going to suit everyone. I just hope that I fall down dead all of a sudden when in apparently good health!

The answer I would say is simply 'NO' because I've seen too much of them lately myself. However nice they look, however good the food is etc, it would never be the same. However, when a parent can no longer walk & you are expected to lift them out of bed, wash & dress them every day (without a hoist) then do the same at night, in between feeding them & toiletting them, then it gets very difficult to do, unless you are single with no children or other comittments & are wealthy enough not to have to work. That is the question you need to ask yourself Lucia. Could you be that selfless ? A few do manage to do it, & they are God's angels on this earth, & get no help or recognition, & only if they are under 65 do they get a measly £40 a week for doing so. Would you do all that for that huge amount of money ?? Sadly this is what we are expected to do. There are a lot of old people who are well enough to be at home, with help, but are in Old people's homes, but in actual fact there are more now only going in them when they are already suffering from things like Alzheimers. When it gets to the point where they are a danger to themselves (& sometimes their loved ones) then it is the most difficult decision anyone ever has to make, I can tell you. I hope that you never have to make that decision yourself about your parents, I really do. :0) Joan xxxx

where i work we try our best to keep them independent for as long as poss, and also as homely as we can we do have people in there that would rather be at home but sadly family can not cope for what ever reason. to say you would never go in a home well i dont think you could be so sure about that you never no how your health will end up. i like to think that where i work is a nice place to live and i love having a laugh and joke with the people and making things,but if your nan is happy where she is than try not to worry to much as she will pick up on this then start worrying about you take care louise

Lucia - I have had several elderly friends to look after recently tho sadly some of them have died now. One had a daughter who lived 2 hours drive away and who visited about 6 times a year. She has now inherited all her mother's estate and that of her aunt too, who died a year before. She didn't ring her mum very often and was too busy with her work as a head teacher to visit over Christmas as she would be taking her pupils on school ski-ing hols. There was no care in the community for this lady, even when she had her sister living with her who had Alzheimers. I have seen how little care in the community do for people - you have to fight for every little thing and if you don't chase something it doesn't happen. If there is one person doing anything for an elderly person, then the social workers think that person will do everything and they can just butt out. I certainly wouldn't count on much help when I am older unless things improve. You just have to hope your family will do things for you (I have a son, but he might not have a helpful wife - my sisters-in-law did b****r all for my mum and dad) or you have to pay privately for care and hope you get someone reliable and trustworthy. One of my neighbours had to have someone come in and wash her after she came out of hospital, and one of the helpers who came wouldn't go upstairs to help her out of bed cos she didn't like stairlifts (hello, they fold away and the stairs are still there) and another who was too overweight to climb the stairs. They still booked their time fully whilst my neighbour had to get herself out of bed and down on the stair lift so they could wash her downstairs. My neighbour was afraid to complain in case the agency wouldn't send anyone. Don't look forward to growing really old and becoming infirm.