General Chat

Glad you managed to sort things out with your daughter, I don't envy you bringing up a teenager. Kaye

For what it's worth, Adrian, I think the problems come about because there is a very vocal and active minority (with a variety of agendas) who manage to get these silly laws passed and the majority of the population is lethargic and inactive in matters politic. Thus, those who make most noise get most 'results' and the rest just shrug their shoulders and say 'what can we do?' instead of getting together and making a louder noise.

well isnt it?

With so many people in agreement in this thread, would anyone sensible care to tell me why it was thought necessary to bring in laws which the vast majority think are nonsense. Doesnt it strike you (pardon the pun) that there is a huge imballance between the parliamentary world and the real world out here. Because I think there is and obviously so do lots of others. There is a difference between a slap and inhumane behaviour and everyone knows it.

I am glad you and your daughter have talked as my daughter is telling everyone I am horrible which is what my ex has told her and she told my sister she has proof but I have had a Criminal check done in case my youngest son needs my help at school but my record is clean I also have another son with ADHD which is very hard but you have to do your best even when they drive you to dispair

Smacking as a form of punishment? Of course it's acceptable. But only in extremis. Isn't that what Bush is trying to do to Bin Laden? After all, when nothing else works you have to use force. But you need to be damn sure that you are in the right and justified in trying to change someone's behaviour.

Crystal My oldest girl was the monster from Hell. It is sheer luck that I did not murder her. Twenty years on, we are the best of friends and she frequently apologises for the way she behaved - and I do the same to her. My two other daughters were 'good' and I can only remember smacking either of them once - ran out into the road, I ran after them and SMACK! I apoligised later the same day, said I shouldnt have smacked them but I was so frightened I couldnt stop myself. They appeared to understand this and avoided frightening me ever again! When they got a bit lippy as teenagers, I would do 'emotional blackmail' (this is dreadful!). I would look quietly hurt and say nothing. This ALWAYS resulted in a backdown on their part. I must also say that by the time the two younger girls were teenagers I had changed my tactics a bit - I told them that I was their Mum, I loved them no matter what they did and that they could tell me ANYTHING - I would not be cross. This worked and both confided in me that they had been offered drugs. We sat and talked about it calmly and I ASKED them what they thought would be the pros and cons. They made the right decision (as far as I know!) Likewise with sex - I gritted my teeth and offered to go to the Doctor with them to get the Pill, but said that I felt if they were taking this step into the adult world, they ought to be able to deal with the Doctor themselves. One daughter decided not to start a sexual relationship, the other did, and went to the Doctor, with a letter from me and my blessing. I think you have to give teenagers a 'get out'. They may not want to do what their friends are all doing (that's if they really are, of course) but simply dont have the right excuses for their friends. If they can say 'I've talked it over with my Mum, and she doesn't think its a good idea' then their friends will be amazed and impressed that they can actually talk to their parents about such things - and you, the understanding Mum, become a subject of great envy! Of course, it wont work with all kids - it certainly didnt work with my eldest. I asked her WHY, what made her like that? She laughed sheepishly and said 'Oh, I thought I was 'ard! But I was just a stupid stroppy kid'. Believe me, it doesnt go on for ever, it really doesnt. I think your daughter loves you very much and her present quietness is because it has all gone a bit further than she intended and she really doesnt want you to get into trouble. You could try saying quietly - I'm really frightened about what I've done, and what is going to happen to me. She will burst into tears I bet. OC

Very well said Tony and Felicity! Don't you worry Crystal, you're obviously a very caring Mother. When I was a child and had overstepped the mark with my Mum she came out with the age old expression 'Just you wait until your Father gets home' I quaked a bit at that because I knew he'd be really angry when he found out that I'd cheeked Mum. I used to hide in the bathroom and lock the door. However because Dad had put an engaged/vacant lock that one could open from the outside with an old penny, (my Grandparents lived with us and it was a safety measure in case they needed help) I waited, trembling in my shoes when I heard him open the door! Really stupid thing to do, I was only buying time! Dear lamb never said anything more than 'Just you come downstairs my girl and apologise to your Mother'. Worked every time, and I did have a moment to contemplate my misdeed when looking at the black and cream tiles of the 1950's bathrooms, shivering in my shoes. He never smacked me but the thought was there that he might! As for our own children, there was always the smacking spoon! Never used but always a deterrent. How I wish the pc brigade et al would go and do something really useful. Cherry

My brother, sister and I were all smacked as children and it never did us any harm....but I will say I never remember being smacked or slapped as a teenager even though there was many a time I felt I should have been. Even though I don't speak to my sister I know she has smacked her children and they appear to be none the worse for it. I have a different case though because my son is adhd and smacking does not register in his head as punishment.....being restrained is a punishment for him...I don't mean physically restrained but for him to be shut in his room and not be allowed the freedom like his mates. I did smack him as a toddler for what I'd call normal toddler misdemeanors...like touching the cooker, playing with sockets/plugs, battering grannie's cat with truck (the cat sat and took it!!!) running onto the road etc all the normal kind of toddler antics but I will say he has never done them again and I know it was down to him being smacked that stopped him. I have never lifted a finger to him in about 3-4years and couldn't do it now as I know it's pointless...removing treats etc is more of a punichment to him and it works. We start off by grounding...which for us is just being kept inside, second thing to go is sweets or treats which I take as far back as he only gets water or milk to drink no diluting juice or fizzy juice, then he loses telly & xbox for the third attempt at bringing him into line and as a last resort he goes to his room.....he has a seperate playroom so his own room only has books in it....really boring for a hyper kid!!!! It's kind of a 3 strikes and your out theory going on in our house and it works but I will say we also work a reward sticker chart and focus more on this to keep it upbeat in our house, slight misbehaviour gets no stickers........but he will get punished if it merits being punished and I never give out a punishment that WE his parents cannot follow through or it's a waste of time. RDA.x.

My mum never ever smacked me when I was a child, but instead she would either go on and on and on and on and on and on about whatever it was I had done, or hadn't done. Either that or the silent treatment, sometimes for days and days at a time. With only two of us in the house it was terrible. I used to dream about my dad coming back (he had died) and giving me a smack instead (he did very occasionally smack me)....because I thought that would be preferable to this mental torture I was put through, because it was perceived to be ''better''. Merry

I think smacking is acceptable ,there are to many people telling us how to discipline our children,there is a huge difference between discipline and abuse. A smack is not abuse.

Anyone who has never had need to smack their child is a very lucky parent and anyone who doesn't have children and says that it's wrong to smack a child is living in cloud-cuckoo land. (Besides which, the childless really have no business pontificating - how many of us have said, before children, I'd NEVER let MY child do that only to find that children have minds of their own and do things they shouldn't anyway! :-))

To be honest I wouldn't be too worried about being reported to social services. I know of a school governor who reported a HeadTeacher for physically assaulting children. The Local Authority didn't want the bad publicity so did everything in their power to cover it up ....ended up with the school governor getting the push and the Head being granted early retirement !

A smack when I was younger never did me any harm!You get too many kids these days telling the teachers one sided stories,they leave out the bits about why they got someone that annoyed they lashed out. Im not saying violence is the answer,but this country has gone to pot.Can the entire Government say all of them have NEVER smacked any of their children? At the end of the day,it teaches you never to do it again. I agree that people who constantly abuse children in this way should be reported and punished but what a waste of time reporting a parent who was only trying to discipline their child. BB xx

When i was a child if you were naughty we were punished according to how naughty we were, At School and at home, it did not do me or other's i knew any harm, and if we dared to question it we got punished again. Sometimes with the belt or Strap at school Lil

Crystal, Who am i to stand in judgement of you. I have a 12 year old son and a 9 year old daughter and its bloody hard work and im sure the worst is yet to come. All i can say is good luck to you and your daughter, i really hope it all works it self out for both of you. A big hug from one mum to another. Lisa xx

good luck crystal what a hard job us mothers and fathers have wouldnt change it for the world though take care xx

I could'nt agree with you more Adrian. I shudder to think what the next few generations will be like and often say I wouldn't want to be in my 20's or 30's now for all the money in the world. Dorothy

My daughter is a fantastic girl (and still is really) until she started hanging around with people who are involved in drugs, I have taken her phone, she is grounded, she is not allowed on the computer, and she is starting counselling next week and anger managment because she went into school and punched a lad in the mouth and split his lip for calling her a name. In my opinion it is partly her hormones but she has a friend who never goes to school and does just what the hell she likes, this girl tells my daughter all her problems at home and my daughter is trying to mimick them. She is always coming to me for cuddles saying how much she loves me but just lately she is telling me she can't handle this girls problems but she feels she has to be her friend cause she feels sorry for her. Me and my children have always been a loving close family but me and my daughter have been closer so it is a shame that it came to this. and I think when she comes home from school a even bigger cuddle is in store for her. Thank you everyone for your opinions and saying what has happened in your family it makes it understanding. Best wishes to you all Crystal.x

I have 2 boys and 1 girl and i hold my hand up to smacking all three of them at one time or another in their lives. Im not talking about an over the knee bare bottomed slap (my mum did that to me once and I have never forgotton it although I have forgotton the reason why she did it) I slapped my daughters legs once as she was hysterical because she couldnt get her own way in a supermarket I slapped my youngerst son on his arm when I caught him smoking (aged 11) and i smacked my eldest once because he called me a cow and it was a knee jerk reaction Right or wrong? I havent got the answer and im sure alot of people feel the same all i know is that i love my children as im sure every parent who has ever smacked their children do. You obviously love your daughter very much and now this has happened she has probably realised that she has pushed you too far and can see how upset you are about it If she has gone quiet I honestly dont think its out of fear i think she is feeling guilty because she knows it was her actions that caused you to do what you did Tell her you love her give her a big hug and get on with the loving but always frustrating relationship that is 'mother and daughter' good luck sue c x