General Chat

What a terrible situation for your friend's daughter. As every one has tried to get her father and brother to face up to the situation, I'm not sure how you could approach him again. Possibly one angle would be to bring up the Care Home aspect with him..as in has he had a chance to look at the ones available in his area?

You could perhaps stress that if his daughter was ill, he would either have to take time off work, or have your friend placed in an EMI home which happens to have a vacancy at the time - possibly many miles away - for her own safety. If the illness scenario should arise, then the carers who come in now will be letting their supervisor know straight away, and SS would step in to place her. It would be much better if he and the rest of the family had a look round now and put your friend's name down at the Home they think most suitable. As her daughter is already making enquires, you could perhaps ask if he has accompanied her on inspection visits.

When I was looking around for a Home for my father, the Head of one said that most admissions were as the result of an emergency, or a sudden deterioration. If your friend has started to hit her daughter, it sounds as if that time is not too far off.

Sad for all of you. Please don't be upset if your friend is unsettled when she comes to stay, as she will be away from her usual surroundings.

DET

Jude, you can do very little except encourage the dughter to get her in to care. After a rest, she will find that it will be easier to do things like take Mum out and spend time with her not worrying how she will manage. As I am very fond of saying, Nurses can go home and forget at the end of a shift. Carers are there worrying 24/7. Every one needs a rest from it, why should daughter be any different.

Terrible situation isn't it. And the daughter will go on doing it because she cares. Maybe for Mum to go into residential care is the answer. When you speak to him Jude, ask him about 'what ifs'. i.e. what if he is asleep and she gets out and causes an accident gets herself knocked down or somebody else injured.
What if she sets fire to the house by leaving the cooker on etc etc. He need somebody to be blunt for a wake up call.

No doubt daughter wont want her Mum in care, she will feel guily for not looking after her. But she must be made to see she has done her share and residential care would be safer for her Mum. It does depend though how far advanced Mum is as, if she can come to you and go to Symonds Yat etc she may not be ready for residential care.

Sharron...thanks for post, have to go out now, will get back later. You are so right:o))

jude x

I wouldn't mind betting daughter has some niggling guilt,part of the human make-up,that it is her own,the daughter's fault.

She has to be hard and let the father and son look after the mother.Not only are they in denial,they are getting away with it.

Sounds trite and silly but,when we had the old man's woman here,I found that she was much easier to deal with if I played music.

If father is still young enough to work then daughter must be of an age to building her career.Maybe she should concentrate on that,be as selfish as him,and let him be full-time carer.

Social services are aware. Themother has half a day at a day centre and 3 sessions at homewith a carer, where they just watchh dvd's or do abit of art & craft. Daughter is registered as main carer and she is looking into full time residential...she's got to now its just got so bad, mother hit her hard last week. Father does'nt want her to go into home he says he'll look after her....joke!!
Daughter does realise its not her mothers fault bless her but its so hard.
The mainprob is the father and son being indenial. Son does NOTHING to help, he was supposed to be there at weekend so dad could work again....but did'nt rurn up, fortunately an uncle came. Daughter refused too:o))

Life is so cruel is'nt it??

Thanks for comments.
jude

My dad had a girlfriend in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Silly old sod thought she would get better. We had her sectioned in the end.

Now the man's daughter has a flat she should go to it after tea,when it is no longer her turn.If mother wanders off it is not her responsibility.It is the father's and he must face up to it.

The daughter must also be told in no uncertain terms that her mother's illness is NOT HER FAULT in any way. You can be sure she has some guilt about it,rational or not.

Having said that,Social Services must be made aware of the situation and the daughter must be sure she is registered as a carer with her doctor. If the old man will not take his turn the daughter must be protected and there is respite care available.

Self-centred great git needs a damned rude awakening!

Here endeth the first pronouncement of Sharron,the hardest hearted carer in the universe.

My dear friend has alzheimers (some of you know about this).She was diagnosed about 4-5yrs ago.
The situation at home is awful, her daughter is her main carer, her son and husband are it seems in denial.

Friend and her husband are coming to stay again this weekend, l'm really looking forward to having her here, she loves it here and we always go to Symonds Yat (her father used to walk there)....l'm not looking forward to seeing her husband, cause l get so cross with him.

l can understand how shocking,cruel,awful etc etc this is for him but his life basically has'nt changed....He expects daughter to drop everything so he can take on extra hours at work and so he can go to his hobby twice a week....she has nothing.....l know what you are thinking ' yes of course his life has changed'...his dear wife has alzheimers, they were/are so close....but he makes it seem as if everyone is in the wrong. The daughter does everything and when she asks for simple tasks to be done, it never happens because he says he's too tired etc etc....the daughter is exhausted and collapsed last week, still he does'nt acknowledg!! yes if you say to him your daughter is going to have a nervous breakdown soon
he'll say 'yes l know' and thats it. l realise he could be heading the same way at this rate.
When he gets home from work he falls asleep, yes l know he's tired, so is his daughter.
They had a plan/rota..after evening meal he would take over so daughter can rest.....he would fall asleep again and wife would be wondering around....or he would go outside and have his pipe, again l know he needs his pipe, but he puts his need before others!!...consequently daughter would be back looking out for her mum.
Her mum is not her mum anymore, she's someone else, daughter is finidng it so hard.

What would you do........??
l feel l need to talk to him (again) and try and make him realise the real situation.His brother has tried so has his daughter..........many times. He needs to talk to someone but getting him there and TALKING and listening andtaking it in is difficult.
Daughter and her husband now have their own flat, which is great she can now go home most evenings. Well that should be the plan anyway.

Sorry had to get this off my chest.

jude x