General Chat

Thanks again everyone:o)

We have had a lovely weekend. She recognised us straight away and knew where she was. We've laughed, cried, sang along with Robbie and Gary, talked about alsorts, even though others would'nt have known what on earth she was on about, we did!! We went upto Symonds Yat and the Kymins....freezing but lovely
One time she thought she was going home and burst into tears, it took a good 5-10 mins for her to believe she was'nt.

l chatted to husband and l would say he is NOT IN DENIAL, he is perfectly aware of what is going on. There are always two sides to every story, l have been aware of both, but l think l have caught up some!!
l fired quite a few questions at him and we were brutally honest with each other.
So, l think time will tell and maybe l need to chat to daughter abit!!!!

jude xx

Jude, hope the visit goes to plan and you can get out with your friend to the place she remembered so fondly. It would be such a shame if the weather spoiled this visit for you all.

Been thinking about you and hope some headway can be made with the husband,

Lizxx

I have just read all the postings on here and once agin it reminds me of how kind people are.
I did send a message before and having read everything again I just thought that I would say that as a person who is still working as a nurse I would offer to help in anyway I can. Last year someone was on a thread and wanted to know how to get a real diagnosis of which type of Demntia a friend had and then how to determine which type of care home for either respite or long term care would be best for the person concerned. I was delighted when I heard that the right home had been found and now and again I receive a pm with an update.
Should the family want help with this or if anyone needs this kind of support please send me a private message.

Jude, you sound a great friend and I am not trying to intrude.

Bridget

Jude,

Whether she knows you or not , just think of the help you are offering your friend her daugter and husband. They will all enjoy some time away from home,with someone who cares for them.

(I've just realised i've almost repeated the previous post to mine !!)

Hope you have some valuable time with your friend over the weekend;) and that friends' hubby will see that , and want to do it for himself:)

Sandie.x

Jude~~

I just typed out a reply and with this new layout I backspaced and it just whoosed !

In short, MIL suffered with dementia / Alzheimers. Blo*dy hard going as carers.
It's very kind of you to invite them for the weekend and I hope she will remember Symonds Yat , a lovely place. I hope you have a 'good weekend' as you can have together.(whilst dealing with her hubby )
Peeps take it differently with dealing with a relative with Dementia, with MIL hubby and I got the backlash from her, only cos we were the ones she were closest to:(......her hubby(my hubby's stepfather ) had died a few yr before.
He sounds very much in denial, doesn't help his dau, but indicates how much he loves her, sounds as if he he could do with some counselling... he's not going to listen to family or friends.
Have to go now hubby want's to go go to bed......not what you think , my PC is in the bedroom !, Will go on his laptop in a mo.

Sandie.x

Jude, whether she knows you or not ,just think of the help you are offering your friend's daugter and husband. They will all enjoy a trip away with someone who cares.

Please let me know how you get on. xx

Hello Helen....thank you for your post.
l'm waiting for them to arrive, any minute l think.
Daughter phoned a few hrs ago to let me know how her mum has been today....not good l'm afraid. Just hoping she knows me.
Was abit concerned that they are driving this distance, but daughter is sure its mum won't hit out at husband....fingers x'd.
l'm with you there Helen, l live in terror too!!!

jude x

Hi Jude, I read your thread with a lot of interest and sorrow. I am sorry to hear about the situation of your friend and her family.

My Mum died at 44 and my Dad at 71 so I have not experienced any of this at first-hand, although I used to be a nurse in the olden days and have nursed several people with dementia of one type or another. On one ward the only conversation I had all shift was with the budgie......

I think a good care-home seems to be the way to go as your friend could always come home for weekends or holidays, to family or friends, whatever her family wish.

I live in terror of inflicting this situation on my own children and I hope this will never be the case.

Best wishes to you for your care and thoughtfulness towards your friend.

Helen xx

Morning Liz....so sorry about your parents. lwas fortunate in away that both mine died in hospital, mum did'nt come round from an operation, dad l'm not sure. But neither had to endure all the long drawn out suffering.

My friend is just 60yrs old so her children are both in their 20's....all far too young!!
l'm hoping the weather holds out, they should behere this evening 9.30 - 10pm.

jude xx

I was so lucky that this didn't happen to either of my parents altho seeing my Dad losing his dignity and having to be helped to a commode and spoon fed during his last few days suffering with lung cancer, was hard enough to take.
Both my parents died at 79 yrs of age, Mum 5 years after Dad, but it would have been very hard to have to see them struggle and try to look after each other if one had suffered Alzheimers.


I hope things work out well for your friend Jude, it's good that they are asking you to be involved with choices too.

Lizxx

Hello Sharron....he's a gem, he helps where he can and has said if things don't improve he will take his wife out of situation. He also works fulltime.

jude

Having slept on this one I am wondering where the daughter's husband comes into this situation.

Good morning:o)

Thanks again for your replies.

The daughter is main carer because her father works full-time and he was happy for this, he asked her to move back home to help out. When she got social services envolved this was the obvious thing to do (her as main carer).
When they come tomorrow l would like to say to him 'just relax and enjoy your weekend', because l know he needs psycological respite too.
l'm ringing them today to see how far daughter has got with looking into respite and residential etc

l'm assuming they know which type of dementia .......she has alzheimers, is that what you mean??

l would'nt want to be in their shoes for anything.
l'm fine and happy having them here .....just wish l knew what to do for the best!!

Penny Lane...of course you have'nt said anything wrong:o))

Penny...l am so sorry to hear about your mum, your poor dad and you, its such a cruel desease.

l have just had a phone call from daughter...they are looking at 2 homes next week. Also she wants to have a family gathering to talk about the whole situation regarding her mum....and she phone me first cause she wants us involved. lso appreciated that bless her:o))

Thanks again everyone.

If there is anyone that feel this thread is upsetting please pm me, l realise it could be sensative to some. But it is helpfull too!!

jude xx

Good morning,
I have just skimmed through this thread for the first time and thought how very sad the situation is for the people in direct contact and of course for the lady involved.
Dementia shows in so many different ways and can be very difficult for everyone involved.
There does come a time when most families simply cannot manage anymore, when they too are exhaused both physiv=cally and emotionally, rather like a death really because the person whith dementia is not the person they have known
Would it be possible for the lady to have some respite care, the rspite is really intended to be for the family. Choosing the right home is very important and if they neede help or advice i would willingly give some tips and how to look at the home, it is not simply about a nice decor etc...
Until a couple of years agao I was very involved professionally with helping and caring for those with dementia and also with their family.
Also please remember that there are many different types of dementia and it is important to find out exactly which type she has because then it is easire to learn how to manage a little better,

I hope this all makes sense and is helpful

Bridget

Poor bloke, for a long while my dad did a similar thing, but not quite to profoundly. He's fine with mum now BUT something he said was this '''i knew I was losing the woman I loved, I wasn't changing, nor did i want her to''. He knew she couldn't .....( insert XYZ) but if he did it for her it was although he was condoning it.

mum is is incontinent - dad hates showering her - it has to be done, i do it sometimes, he does it when he has to, and he waits and hopes that maybe once in a while she will realise for her self. not idea, but we live with it.

Dad is retired but does have interests- yeshe leaves her- no she isn't safe, but in order to have a life( and sanity some days) again it has to happen

Dont be to hard on him, She sounds as though she has deteriorated rapidly - a year is no time at all for him to come to terms.

Why is dau main carer? Why not husband?

Poor woman and poor family, how hard for them all and it will be hard for you to see your friend deteriorate Jude. I do hope her hubby gets the message soon, and can be more helpful, he will regret it when it's too late to do anything, silly man. However, I guess you can't force him to acknowledge things, he has to do it in his own time but no fair on his daughter and her family, her brother should help out too and support his dad in acknowledging things.

Hope you can have a pleasant time with her and things work out ok

Lizxx

jude hi, i have just read about your friend, may I say that what your friend's daughter is asking you to do I think is a very good idea,

it sound's like the husdand will get the wake up call he need's when they go to you. and the care home would do everyone the involved good, as there is only so much the daughter can do.

I hope that I have not said anything wrong.

penny.

Sharron....thats what his daughter asks me to do and l do to a certain extent. He likes to walk with my OH and the dog, so l am then with my friend, which so far is fine. Night time we leave it to him. She keeps him awake (not us),. He'll try and forget to bath her in the evening, l and daughter have to remind him!!!!!! Its a very frustrating situation!!!

jude

Can you work it so he is left alone with her for a long time while they are at your house? So he really does have to look after her for a while and see how it really is.

Hello Ann, Jean & DET...
Sadly friend has deteriorated alot, she can't wash or clean her teeth without supervision and l think most times needs help toileting.
She has'nt been able to cook or write her name for well over a yr now.
Hopefully l will hear soon if they have contacted any homes.
You are all so right. l must try and make him aware of the dangers now.

When we mention Symonds Yat she so far knows the name, it will be interesting to see if she still does, and usually if my name is mentioned she knows it, we still sometimes chat on the phone, but l really don't know what she is saying, occasionally one word hints at something and l go from there.

Thanks everyone, its so nice to have people feeling the same way, l did'nt want to be cruel and make him listen, but l'm going to try again!!

jude