General Chat

My dear friend has alzheimers (some of you know about this).She was diagnosed about 4-5yrs ago.
The situation at home is awful, her daughter is her main carer, her son and husband are it seems in denial.

Friend and her husband are coming to stay again this weekend, l'm really looking forward to having her here, she loves it here and we always go to Symonds Yat (her father used to walk there)....l'm not looking forward to seeing her husband, cause l get so cross with him.

l can understand how shocking,cruel,awful etc etc this is for him but his life basically has'nt changed....He expects daughter to drop everything so he can take on extra hours at work and so he can go to his hobby twice a week....she has nothing.....l know what you are thinking ' yes of course his life has changed'...his dear wife has alzheimers, they were/are so close....but he makes it seem as if everyone is in the wrong. The daughter does everything and when she asks for simple tasks to be done, it never happens because he says he's too tired etc etc....the daughter is exhausted and collapsed last week, still he does'nt acknowledg!! yes if you say to him your daughter is going to have a nervous breakdown soon
he'll say 'yes l know' and thats it. l realise he could be heading the same way at this rate.
When he gets home from work he falls asleep, yes l know he's tired, so is his daughter.
They had a plan/rota..after evening meal he would take over so daughter can rest.....he would fall asleep again and wife would be wondering around....or he would go outside and have his pipe, again l know he needs his pipe, but he puts his need before others!!...consequently daughter would be back looking out for her mum.
Her mum is not her mum anymore, she's someone else, daughter is finidng it so hard.

What would you do........??
l feel l need to talk to him (again) and try and make him realise the real situation.His brother has tried so has his daughter..........many times. He needs to talk to someone but getting him there and TALKING and listening andtaking it in is difficult.
Daughter and her husband now have their own flat, which is great she can now go home most evenings. Well that should be the plan anyway.

Sorry had to get this off my chest.

jude x

My dad had a girlfriend in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Silly old sod thought she would get better. We had her sectioned in the end.

Now the man's daughter has a flat she should go to it after tea,when it is no longer her turn.If mother wanders off it is not her responsibility.It is the father's and he must face up to it.

The daughter must also be told in no uncertain terms that her mother's illness is NOT HER FAULT in any way. You can be sure she has some guilt about it,rational or not.

Having said that,Social Services must be made aware of the situation and the daughter must be sure she is registered as a carer with her doctor. If the old man will not take his turn the daughter must be protected and there is respite care available.

Self-centred great git needs a damned rude awakening!

Here endeth the first pronouncement of Sharron,the hardest hearted carer in the universe.

Social services are aware. Themother has half a day at a day centre and 3 sessions at homewith a carer, where they just watchh dvd's or do abit of art & craft. Daughter is registered as main carer and she is looking into full time residential...she's got to now its just got so bad, mother hit her hard last week. Father does'nt want her to go into home he says he'll look after her....joke!!
Daughter does realise its not her mothers fault bless her but its so hard.
The mainprob is the father and son being indenial. Son does NOTHING to help, he was supposed to be there at weekend so dad could work again....but did'nt rurn up, fortunately an uncle came. Daughter refused too:o))

Life is so cruel is'nt it??

Thanks for comments.
jude

I wouldn't mind betting daughter has some niggling guilt,part of the human make-up,that it is her own,the daughter's fault.

She has to be hard and let the father and son look after the mother.Not only are they in denial,they are getting away with it.

Sounds trite and silly but,when we had the old man's woman here,I found that she was much easier to deal with if I played music.

If father is still young enough to work then daughter must be of an age to building her career.Maybe she should concentrate on that,be as selfish as him,and let him be full-time carer.

Sharron...thanks for post, have to go out now, will get back later. You are so right:o))

jude x

Terrible situation isn't it. And the daughter will go on doing it because she cares. Maybe for Mum to go into residential care is the answer. When you speak to him Jude, ask him about 'what ifs'. i.e. what if he is asleep and she gets out and causes an accident gets herself knocked down or somebody else injured.
What if she sets fire to the house by leaving the cooker on etc etc. He need somebody to be blunt for a wake up call.

No doubt daughter wont want her Mum in care, she will feel guily for not looking after her. But she must be made to see she has done her share and residential care would be safer for her Mum. It does depend though how far advanced Mum is as, if she can come to you and go to Symonds Yat etc she may not be ready for residential care.

Jude, you can do very little except encourage the dughter to get her in to care. After a rest, she will find that it will be easier to do things like take Mum out and spend time with her not worrying how she will manage. As I am very fond of saying, Nurses can go home and forget at the end of a shift. Carers are there worrying 24/7. Every one needs a rest from it, why should daughter be any different.

What a terrible situation for your friend's daughter. As every one has tried to get her father and brother to face up to the situation, I'm not sure how you could approach him again. Possibly one angle would be to bring up the Care Home aspect with him..as in has he had a chance to look at the ones available in his area?

You could perhaps stress that if his daughter was ill, he would either have to take time off work, or have your friend placed in an EMI home which happens to have a vacancy at the time - possibly many miles away - for her own safety. If the illness scenario should arise, then the carers who come in now will be letting their supervisor know straight away, and SS would step in to place her. It would be much better if he and the rest of the family had a look round now and put your friend's name down at the Home they think most suitable. As her daughter is already making enquires, you could perhaps ask if he has accompanied her on inspection visits.

When I was looking around for a Home for my father, the Head of one said that most admissions were as the result of an emergency, or a sudden deterioration. If your friend has started to hit her daughter, it sounds as if that time is not too far off.

Sad for all of you. Please don't be upset if your friend is unsettled when she comes to stay, as she will be away from her usual surroundings.

DET

Hello Ann, Jean & DET...
Sadly friend has deteriorated alot, she can't wash or clean her teeth without supervision and l think most times needs help toileting.
She has'nt been able to cook or write her name for well over a yr now.
Hopefully l will hear soon if they have contacted any homes.
You are all so right. l must try and make him aware of the dangers now.

When we mention Symonds Yat she so far knows the name, it will be interesting to see if she still does, and usually if my name is mentioned she knows it, we still sometimes chat on the phone, but l really don't know what she is saying, occasionally one word hints at something and l go from there.

Thanks everyone, its so nice to have people feeling the same way, l did'nt want to be cruel and make him listen, but l'm going to try again!!

jude

Can you work it so he is left alone with her for a long time while they are at your house? So he really does have to look after her for a while and see how it really is.

Sharron....thats what his daughter asks me to do and l do to a certain extent. He likes to walk with my OH and the dog, so l am then with my friend, which so far is fine. Night time we leave it to him. She keeps him awake (not us),. He'll try and forget to bath her in the evening, l and daughter have to remind him!!!!!! Its a very frustrating situation!!!

jude

jude hi, i have just read about your friend, may I say that what your friend's daughter is asking you to do I think is a very good idea,

it sound's like the husdand will get the wake up call he need's when they go to you. and the care home would do everyone the involved good, as there is only so much the daughter can do.

I hope that I have not said anything wrong.

penny.

Poor woman and poor family, how hard for them all and it will be hard for you to see your friend deteriorate Jude. I do hope her hubby gets the message soon, and can be more helpful, he will regret it when it's too late to do anything, silly man. However, I guess you can't force him to acknowledge things, he has to do it in his own time but no fair on his daughter and her family, her brother should help out too and support his dad in acknowledging things.

Hope you can have a pleasant time with her and things work out ok

Lizxx

Poor bloke, for a long while my dad did a similar thing, but not quite to profoundly. He's fine with mum now BUT something he said was this '''i knew I was losing the woman I loved, I wasn't changing, nor did i want her to''. He knew she couldn't .....( insert XYZ) but if he did it for her it was although he was condoning it.

mum is is incontinent - dad hates showering her - it has to be done, i do it sometimes, he does it when he has to, and he waits and hopes that maybe once in a while she will realise for her self. not idea, but we live with it.

Dad is retired but does have interests- yeshe leaves her- no she isn't safe, but in order to have a life( and sanity some days) again it has to happen

Dont be to hard on him, She sounds as though she has deteriorated rapidly - a year is no time at all for him to come to terms.

Why is dau main carer? Why not husband?

Good morning,
I have just skimmed through this thread for the first time and thought how very sad the situation is for the people in direct contact and of course for the lady involved.
Dementia shows in so many different ways and can be very difficult for everyone involved.
There does come a time when most families simply cannot manage anymore, when they too are exhaused both physiv=cally and emotionally, rather like a death really because the person whith dementia is not the person they have known
Would it be possible for the lady to have some respite care, the rspite is really intended to be for the family. Choosing the right home is very important and if they neede help or advice i would willingly give some tips and how to look at the home, it is not simply about a nice decor etc...
Until a couple of years agao I was very involved professionally with helping and caring for those with dementia and also with their family.
Also please remember that there are many different types of dementia and it is important to find out exactly which type she has because then it is easire to learn how to manage a little better,

I hope this all makes sense and is helpful

Bridget

Good morning:o)

Thanks again for your replies.

The daughter is main carer because her father works full-time and he was happy for this, he asked her to move back home to help out. When she got social services envolved this was the obvious thing to do (her as main carer).
When they come tomorrow l would like to say to him 'just relax and enjoy your weekend', because l know he needs psycological respite too.
l'm ringing them today to see how far daughter has got with looking into respite and residential etc

l'm assuming they know which type of dementia .......she has alzheimers, is that what you mean??

l would'nt want to be in their shoes for anything.
l'm fine and happy having them here .....just wish l knew what to do for the best!!

Penny Lane...of course you have'nt said anything wrong:o))

Penny...l am so sorry to hear about your mum, your poor dad and you, its such a cruel desease.

l have just had a phone call from daughter...they are looking at 2 homes next week. Also she wants to have a family gathering to talk about the whole situation regarding her mum....and she phone me first cause she wants us involved. lso appreciated that bless her:o))

Thanks again everyone.

If there is anyone that feel this thread is upsetting please pm me, l realise it could be sensative to some. But it is helpfull too!!

jude xx

Having slept on this one I am wondering where the daughter's husband comes into this situation.

Hello Sharron....he's a gem, he helps where he can and has said if things don't improve he will take his wife out of situation. He also works fulltime.

jude

I was so lucky that this didn't happen to either of my parents altho seeing my Dad losing his dignity and having to be helped to a commode and spoon fed during his last few days suffering with lung cancer, was hard enough to take.
Both my parents died at 79 yrs of age, Mum 5 years after Dad, but it would have been very hard to have to see them struggle and try to look after each other if one had suffered Alzheimers.


I hope things work out well for your friend Jude, it's good that they are asking you to be involved with choices too.

Lizxx

Morning Liz....so sorry about your parents. lwas fortunate in away that both mine died in hospital, mum did'nt come round from an operation, dad l'm not sure. But neither had to endure all the long drawn out suffering.

My friend is just 60yrs old so her children are both in their 20's....all far too young!!
l'm hoping the weather holds out, they should behere this evening 9.30 - 10pm.

jude xx