General Chat

My girlfriend is trying so hard to make her unwanted lumps disappear............... she has now taken to wearing a griddle !

This little wimp goes out for a drink.

On his way to order his half of shandy, he steps on some dog poo. Slips and falls over.

He gets up to the sniggering of the regulars, and starts on his half of shandy.

Up to the same bar comes the local hard-man. Neck the same size as his head.

He also slips on the same dog poo. Finally, he finds his centre of gravity and gets up.

Wimp, looking for empathy, says "I've just done that"............

Lol Sue

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

I always park my car in the par cark

I always prefer decapitated coffee with my after-dinner mints.

Then again, when my brother and sister argue, they always finally realise that it was my fault after alll!

Sue

Whenever my brother and sister have a disagreement they always ask me to meditate.

Could've been the same snake who was tried for murder, but was let off - cos the evidence against him was anecdotal

When my brother got bitten by a poisonous snake I had to rush him to hospital for an anecdote.

Must be a real regular girl, then

Lol Sue

My girlfriend always goes well over the top with her make-up.................. and you would never believe the amount of cascara she uses !

lol

What do you call......

A small woman - Dot

A very small woman - Micro-dot

A woman who sets fire to her bills - Bernadette

A man with a car on his head - Jack

A man with a paper bag on his head - Russell

Lol Sue

My elderly mother tells me that her GP says that the blue marks on her legs are due to very close veins !

During the summer my garden was full of the wondrous scent of Primulus, Foxglove and Dianthus.

But how I longed for the sweet smell of a Coronation.

I knew I was right thefirst time ........

pmsl lol not heard that one............



but remember.....its not all fun and laughter I've just got back from the supermarket and apparently there has been anasty murder....

some bloke called Archibald has strangled two customers for just a few coppers right there in the supermarket




and they have put up a poster to confirm it....tis terrible and disgusting but I saw it for myself





ACHICHOKES TWO FOR A POUND IN TESCO

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
Deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
That she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be
Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother
he's a fecking clueless idiot ...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's
Name?'

Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved,

'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'






The doctor replies ' Denephew

Man goes into a pub and sees his friend sitting fretting at the bar

''whats up'' he asks

''well I have entered a poetry competition to win £1000 but have to write a poem that ends in the word fasicnate...and I just cant think of one''

''give me £250 up front and I will write you a poem that I gurrantee will end in fasicnate''

His friend digs out his wallet and hands over the cash

Next night full of excitement he returns to the bar

''have you written it?'' he asks

''Of course'' his friend replies just listen to this.....

''I've got a brand new duffle coat
It really is great
I used to fasten ten buttons
Now I fasten eight''

Col I have been smiling for years and they still wonder what I am up to or on, and I still smile at them ...