General Chat

Yes you need permission to put ashes on/in a grave.

I asked my Dad years ago what he wanted, he said he didn't care..he would be dead lol.
Anyway I suggested he was cremated where he died and brought back to Scotland and his ashes thrown in the burn that runs down the side of what was his family home. He and 5 of his siblings were born there.
He thought that was a great idea.So that is what we did. He was followed by a couple of 'wee drams' and some sprigs of heather.
The ones who werent driving had one last toast to him.

It was a lovely sunny day and everyone was happy as I'm sure he would have been too.

There is no stone but I have kept a rose from his flowers which I am pressing and intend to have framed.

Marion

Liz, did you know you have to have special permission to have your ashes put in your grandparent's grave, I want mine put in my daughter's grave but my son would have to get permission from the powers that be. Have to look into it all and see if I can arrange it now, for the future.
Lizx

A will is also a good place to write down your wishes of what you want to happen at your funeral and to your remains afterwards (ie I want to be cremated and my ashes interred with my nanna's & great grandparents grave)

I am sad that things have got to this stage with your half brother and you, are there any other siblings?

It's a shame your Dad doesn't believe in wills, but that is rather selfish as it means there will probably be a lot of unpleasantness later on if you are not in complete harmony with everyone over what happens and who pays for and gets what.
Sorry to sound so mercenary but have just been talking to my late cousin's wife about his funeral next week and it is so much easier for all to cope with when things are cut and dried as much as possible.
I hope you can get things sorted out so that you can spend your last times with your Dad without feeling apprehension at the goings on.
I have to say I think you have to respect your father's wishes that if he doesn't mind his ex wife being there to say her goodbyes, the choice should be hers whether to go or not, not the ruling of yourself and your mother. Sorry.
Lizx

Thanks for this thread. We have been asked to be Executors for a neighbour, and I had no idea that his relatives would be in a position to be awkward. There is very little money invovled and I dont know if he has done anything about a funeral. Will now try and sort this out with him.
Have a happy few weeks with your father, Only Me, and find out as much as you can about his life before you came along, or you will be saying to youself 'I wish I had asked him that'

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. My father has been ill for the last four years and I worry about what would happen. It's the last thing you really want to think about.

I know other's have given you some great advice but I've not been able to read the full thread so apologise if someone has already said this. Please get him to make a will, it is especially important if he has children who are half or step siblings and ex-wives. The squabbles it could leave in his wake can be more traumatising than the loss itself. Even if it's just to divide up his personal treasures.

Perhaps it should be up to your father whether your half-brother's mother attends. I know my nanna attended her second husbands funeral even though they'd been divorced 20 years. Even though two people might not be together doesn't mean there isn't some part that might like to say good bye.

Also, make sure he's claiming all relevant benefits, again, not something you probably want to think about but there are special pay outs for the terminally ill on things like Disabled Living Allowance.

Thinking of you all in this difficult time.

ETA you can't always get them to release assets for the funeral if someone dies intestate (without a will) he could leave you all with all kinds of problems. I don't understand how anyone could 'not believe in wills' when it's a way of making sure your wishes are met and things go where you want them to. I have several things that were my Great Grandmothers, they're not worth anything in monetary terms but sentimentally they do. I have put them in my will to leave to my nephews and nieces stating where they came from so they understand why. If you can convince him to make a will then he needs to see a solicitor to do it not one of them will writing companies.

I have, unfortunately, seen a lot of awful things happen after someone dies because a person didn't leave a will and my mother is still upset 20 years after he nanna's death because she was promised something by her and it was given to her brother by her aunt (who always favoured boys).

dad doesnt believe in wills.

And he wants a headstone so he wouldnt like to be buried in the woods hes to religious

Thinking of you IOM, with my thoughts that your Dad will find peace and you and him can enjoy time together,


Caz xxxxxxxx

Hi IOM, I am so sorry to read about your Dad.

The Woodlands Memorial is a very good site they have lots of good advice and a complete funeral costs under £1300. (Which is still a lot of money but if divided by the next of kin makes it more affordable and less of a strain on all of you).

Do have a look at the site as they give all sorts of practical advice and downloads too. Even if you dont use them it gives you a good idea of things that will be need to be done.

((((hugs))))

Tina xx

http://www.memorialwoodlands.com/ourservices.php?gclid=CNfetOGYk5YCFQyI1QodJhzgEw

Please dont think ive been ignoring you all.

I had to pick the kids up from school and cook dinner.

I thought my half brother and i were close until all this started. He lives in the same town as my dad and seems to be the 1 organising hospital appointments etc.

My half sister and i dont his mother at the funeral. dad doesnt mind eitherway.
He is a religious man so turns the other cheek.

This eldest thing is a load of RUBBISH ........its what you all think is right .......

I,m the eldest and I,ve asked our family solicitor about this issue .......coz I dont want any arguements ...

At the END of the day its down to NEXT OF KIN ....
first ..his wife or parents
second anyone who is his child
after that anyone they can find

I have just read all this through and think you need to sort some things out soon, hard tho it will be. It's obvious there is a bit of conflict with your half brother(s) so if your Dad is well enough it might be an idea to get him to write out what he wants and make a will, so that you have things in writing and signed by him. Regarding your brother having power of attourney if that is what he has to handle your father's account, then you have to be sure all that is above board so that only the necessary money is being paid out. Otherwise, with no will, things will take much longer to sort out and your brother might be able to siphon some of the money before it gets to paying for a funeral. (apologies to him and you if this is unlikely but you never know, with some relatives things don't go smoothly).

I hope you can get things sorted so that when it comes to the time that you are all grieving, you don't have unpleasantness and arguments to cope with too.
Re your half brother wanting his mother there, what would your father think to that idea. If the split wasn't acrimonious he might feel ok about it and your half brother might want his mother's support.
I have been to funerals before where the ex wife is there supporting her children by that person, and think it might happen with my cousin's funeral, as the ex wife was planning to visit him in hospital but he died while she was still away on holiday so she didn't get the chance.

I hope your Dad has lots of love and support through these dark days and when his time comes, his passing is as gentle as possible.
Lizx

Have you thought of a woodland/green burial?
it may be much cheaper, unfortunately he wont have a headstone, but instead,a tree and plaque as a marker.


Bob

Have a word with your Dad and also get him to get your brother to see his bank book etc. Maybe he has enough.
Hopefully your brother is honest and you wont be left/expected to foot the bill.
As others have said see a few undertakers,see where you stand.

It is a hard time for you all and you want it to run as smoothly as it can,without any problems.

Marion

So why did your Father have your brother sort out the bank and bills ? does he live near your Father ?
Do you know if your Father is likely to have any money towards the funeral costs ? I am just thinking if he does and your Brother has Authority to pay his bills anyway, then it may have been easier for him to deal with this.
That is not to say that you cannot arrange everything for him, just to have the bill in his name ........ would he not be happy for that to happen ?
If money is a problem look at the link I sent you to see if you can get any help. it offers a lot a practical advice as well, as none of you may have a clue what to do.

Hi Sheila,

I dont know the answer to that 1 all i know was he got a form from the bank for my dad to sign so my brother can pay the bills.

when we all spoke yesterday my brother and sister said " your the eldest"

Would it not be easier for your Brother to deal with this then, you could help him still of course but has he power of aturney ? or is his name just on your Fathers account ?

Hi Marion,

my dad has signed his bank account over to my brother so he can pay all my dads bills i.e. rent gas electric. as my dad is in and out of hospital

i wish my dad was as organised as my mum.

i know i have nothing to worry about when she goes its already paid for. Out of my mum kids im the youngest and been left the papers.

But im my dads eldest.

Any money in bank will be frozen till funeral is paid.
My Dad didnt have a lot,but he was up to date with all his bills etc.
My brother signed the death cert but let us deal with other things.

Marion