General Chat

oooh all the clever folk are on this thread now lol

Tina and Roz whatch ya had for tea then? ;O)xx

Heres one..

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.



When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"



"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."



As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"



"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.


I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"



"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

A really poor joke that tickled me years ago and have not forgotten.

What the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangeroot?










A Kangaroo is an animal that hops about in Australia.
A Kangeroot is a Scotsman stuck in a loo shouting I Kangeroot, I Kangeroot.

Boom Boom.

A vampire bat flew back to the cave and his mouth was dripping blood.
All the other bats got excited and asked him to show them where he had been, so he set of with the other bats in tow.
Round the cave three times then out, down the mountain and across the river they flew, past the farm and over the fields then they came to a large wood and in the middle of the wood stood a very large tree, now do you see that tree ? said the bat,

Yes they all replied.






















Well I didn't !!!!

LOL.....don't give up your day jobs Marion & Keith ;O)) xx

hahaha ...well Pat if it was dark he should've ;O)

lol.

I'm sitting here saying Kangeroot ......no thats nothing like it Keith. It should be I cannygetoot lol

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'


'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a b o ttle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking.'

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

Junior School Children Writing about the Sea.


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all around you,

you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.

She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.

Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.

My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.

How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick,

my dad keeps shouting at my mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant,

so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock

They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it make my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe whey they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone,

so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)


13) On holiday my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.

She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman.

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Scotsman fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £5,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Scotsman said, "Why can't they play at night?"

>Revenge for all the Blonde Jokes?

>

> ________________________________

>

> A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager.

> She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and

> needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some

> kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the

> keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the

> bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to

> accept the car as collateral for the loan.

>

>

>

> The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the

> blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

>

> An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the

> bank's underground garage and parks it there.

>

>

>

> Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the

> interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, 'Miss, we are

> very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has

> worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you

> were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess.

> What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'

>

>

>

> The blonde replies...

>

> 'Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only

> £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Dolly Parton said: "I'm not dumb & everyone knows I'm not blond".

The Knob


A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've
had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of th em.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

Cannot believe this board of funny jokes!!

Most of them I had not heard

Well Done you lot!!!!!!!!


pmsl


Crougar

The difference between a vitamin and a hormone?



















You can't hear a vitamin.

if you want jokes..........read the threadkillers thread......

Bob

XXXX Blonde Jokey








A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her her very own hard hat and gloves.



At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and
the fact she had a 'pay packet'.


'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.


The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'



'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said...





'I think so. Provided those w@nk#rs at Jewson's deliver the f*ck*ng bricks.'